Self-Care is Actually Self-Less

Does the term self-care feel synonymous with selfish to you? Do you equate time spent on yourself as time taken away from your loved ones? In other words, does time spent doing what you enjoy mean you have lost time to do what others want? Does energy put toward your own goals mean energy is taken away from what matters to others? If you answer yes to any of those questions, you are not alone. Most people -- especially women -- feel tension between being everything to everyone and practicing self-care. Most don’t know how to balance giving and serving with taking and saying no. In fact, some people express feeling like self-care has become another burden, another item on their to-do list, and is accompanied by the thought, “Taking care of myself has become another thing to do and to do well. More pressure.”

The fault in this thought process lies in the meaning of true self-care. Briana Wiest of thoughtcatalog.com describes self-care not as “salt baths and chocolate cake,” but as “making the decision to build a life you do not need to regularly escape from.” If your life is built on perfection-seeking and is dictated by the perceptions of others, self-care will always feel like an item on your to-do list and another opportunity to fail. True self-care isn’t a task or an achievement, it is a process. True self-care is regularly taking the time to reassess your values, re-examine your life circumstances and make choices that support the alignment of your values with your life. Lots is out of your control; lots is not. Doing what you can about what is in your control is a way to practice self-care. Reading this article (and this one and maybe this one) is another act of self-care. Giving yourself permission to take dedicated time for value assessment and life examination is a way to care for yourself.

And here’s the kicker: the more you care for yourself, the more you can care for others. For all of you who have built lives based on service:

Dear mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, sisters, brothers, Big Sisters and Big Brothers, bosses, philanthropists, leaders, clergy members, volunteers, aunts, uncles, healthcare workers, crossing guards, teachers, coaches, social service workers, nonprofit founders, food line preppers, tutors, mentors, quilters, bakers, gardeners, growers, supporters, grandparents, great-grandparents, babysitters, special needs specialists, nurses, personal trainers, protest marchers, activists, law enforcers, law defenders, sponsors, and to all the people who have helped all these people… you cannot give what you do not have. You cannot give time if you don’t take some for yourself. You cannot give money if you haven’t gathered some yourself. You cannot give your energy toward others or a cause without getting enough sleep. You cannot give love without soaking up some for yourself. You cannot offer compassion or empathy without first finding and accepting compassion and empathy for yourself.

Self-care is not a nice idea, and it’s not an item to check off your to-do list. Self-care is the only way to take care of others. True self-care is the first step toward true giving. The next time you think about self-care, think about all of the energy, time, money, love, compassion and empathy you’d have. Think about what self-care can give you and therefore what you can offer others. Self-care, it turns out, is the most selfless act of service we can offer.