Why does betrayal trauma cause anxiety?

When someone discovers their partner’s involvement in pornography or other sexual behaviors it is very common for them to experience betrayal trauma. By definition trauma is, “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” When this trauma is triggered by a person we love, it creates a significant amount of stress. However, unlike other stressors like paying our monthly bills, when we are in a committed relationship we can’t just get away or escape from the relationship.

The consequence of not being able to run is that you have to figure out how to deal with this trauma because it won’t just go away. We are forced to deal with it head on. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers because pornography and sexual misbehaviors bring up so many questions, fears, worries, and concerns. Is he safe? Will she do this again? If he is doing this what else is he doing? When these questions run through your mind over and over again the result is anxiety. One example of this is in my study with over 1000 women dealing with their partners sexual misbehaviors more than 65% indicate that experience indescribable fear at least half the time.

Anxiety is what happens to us when our minds do not feel safe. As a result, our brain is constantly working trying to makes sense of what is going on around us. It wants to find a place of safety. However, as with all addictions, they don’t make sense. Think about that for a second. We roll up leaves and smoke them. We let barley ferment to the point it stinks and we drink it. We view pornographic images and hope to feel less lonely.

When our mind does not know how to make sense of a problem it continues searching or it shuts down. When the mind searches and searches for answers and they don’t come, eventually the elevated stress triggers physical and emotional health problems. This leads to less energy to deal with the general problems life presents.

Fortunately, there are solutions. Learning to slow down the mind through effective meditations, deep breathing, finding a support group, and learning how to respond betrayal trauma can be reduced. Instead of getting lost in trauma and the chaos of addiction, it is possible to reclaim your identity. If you suffer from anxiety related to betrayal trauma in your relationship, please know that help is available. I invite you to get started by reaching out for help.

Finally, one simple step you can take right now, is to stop and just focus on your breathing. Try to pay attention to your breathing. If possible, breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Observe the air coming into your body as you inhale and feel your body relax as you exhale. This simple deep breathing exercise is designed to slow down your mind. I recommend doing this exercise three times a day for three to five minutes. Those who implement this strategy increase their awareness into their mind and body. Don’t be surprised when this simple strategy calms your anxious mind, even if it is for just a few minutes.