How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself

“I am more angry than I have ever been. In fact, I didn’t know I could feel so much anger all the time, why?”

Another woman put it this way, “After having found out about my husband, I can’t sleep and I’m always anxious. When I see my husband, I want to hurt him one moment and the next I want him to hold me. My emotions are all over the place. Is there something wrong with me?”

When faced with extreme, terrifying, or life threatening circumstances, we may suffer from trauma. Trauma is defined as “an emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person.” Without healing, trauma may continue at high levels possibly causing psychological, physical, social, and spiritual damage.

Trauma happens to people who go to war, who live in neighborhoods with gang violence, and, as we've found, people who are betrayed by a parent or spouse. Consider those connections for a few moments. It says something truly profound that your pains and fears are shared by people in extreme danger, and life-threatening situations. This is why you must not blame yourself for your feelings. Your story may feel quiet and small, but it is real.

When you are betrayed by the person who is supposed to love, respect and support you the most, your world shatters. It may feel as though the whole life of your relationship has been a lie. Many people naturally retrace their relationship's history adding in all the missing details of betrayal that they just learned. This process is jarring, especially when the details from the spouse come in pieces. It can make you feel as though the rug is constantly being pulled from under you.

Emotional ups and downs are expected, and the paradoxical experience of anger coupled with a desire to connect is common. These feelings create confusion and pain, resulting in polarized emotions and possibly making you feel out of control at times.

Most women don't recognize that they are experiencing Betrayal Trauma. Many times the trauma and desire to fix their husband's problems can be so great that they overlook the feelings of chaos within themselves.

After listening to hundreds of women's stories, we have a greater understanding of the breadth of suffering that women like you experience. To create our healing model, we also needed to know each person's specific needs. By analyzing written assessments, we were able see if the individual experiencing betrayal was suffering from trauma, and if they were, which aspects of trauma were inflicting them most.

In 2005, I wrote an assessment. This was one of the first assessments, if not the very first, that looked at trauma that stemmed from a spouse's sexual behaviors. Since that time 10 years ago, thousands of people have completed our assessment.

The results have been stunning—and alarming. After poring through the data, it has become clear to me that thousands of women and men are suffering deeply due to their partner's sexual behaviors outside of their relationship. Here are some categories, questions and results from our research:

Fear and Questions of Safety

I feel violated due to my partner's sexual behaviors.

• Never (2.87%)
  
• Occasionally/rarely (9.86%)
  
• About half the time (9.65%)
  
• More often than not (25.05%)
  
• Always (52.57%)
  

Relive the Event/Experience

When my partner tries to get close to me or we are sexually intimate, I cannot help but question whether my partner is thinking about me or things he/she has done.

• Never (2.66%)
  
• Occasionally/rarely (11.53%)
  
• About half the time (15.96%)
  
• More often than not (27.05%)
  
• Always (42.79%)
  

Avoidance

I avoid sexual contact with my partner since discovering his/her behavior.

• Never (11.66%)
  
• Occasionally/rarely (24.89%)
  
• About half the time (23.32%)
  
• More often than not (23.77%)
  
• Always (16.37%)
  

Negative Self Evaluation and Mood

I feel like my partner acts out because I am not good enough.

• Never (9.89%)
  
• Occasionally/rarely (21.61%)
  
• About half the time (23.22%)
  
• More often than not (23.22%)
  
• Always (22.07%)