Free Resources

Coby's Recovery Story

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Coby shares his story of porn addiction, despair, recovery and love.

Why does betrayal trauma cause anxiety?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 16:40:05 GMT

When someone discovers their partner’s involvement in pornography or other sexual behaviors it is very common for them to experience betrayal trauma. By definition trauma is, “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” When this trauma is triggered by a person we love, it creates a significant amount of stress. However, unlike other stressors like paying our monthly bills, when we are in a committed relationship we can’t just get away or escape from the relationship.

The consequence of not being able to run is that you have to figure out how to deal with this trauma because it won’t just go away. We are forced to deal with it head on. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers because pornography and sexual misbehaviors bring up so many questions, fears, worries, and concerns. Is he safe? Will she do this again? If he is doing this what else is he doing? When these questions run through your mind over and over again the result is anxiety. One example of this is in my study with over 1000 women dealing with their partners sexual misbehaviors more than 65% indicate that experience indescribable fear at least half the time.

Anxiety is what happens to us when our minds do not feel safe. As a result, our brain is constantly working trying to makes sense of what is going on around us. It wants to find a place of safety. However, as with all addictions, they don’t make sense. Think about that for a second. We roll up leaves and smoke them. We let barley ferment to the point it stinks and we drink it. We view pornographic images and hope to feel less lonely.

When our mind does not know how to make sense of a problem it continues searching or it shuts down. When the mind searches and searches for answers and they don’t come, eventually the elevated stress triggers physical and emotional health problems. This leads to less energy to deal with the general problems life presents.

Fortunately, there are solutions. Learning to slow down the mind through effective meditations, deep breathing, finding a support group, and learning how to respond betrayal trauma can be reduced. Instead of getting lost in trauma and the chaos of addiction, it is possible to reclaim your identity. If you suffer from anxiety related to betrayal trauma in your relationship, please know that help is available. I invite you to get started by reaching out for help.

Finally, one simple step you can take right now, is to stop and just focus on your breathing. Try to pay attention to your breathing. If possible, breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Observe the air coming into your body as you inhale and feel your body relax as you exhale. This simple deep breathing exercise is designed to slow down your mind. I recommend doing this exercise three times a day for three to five minutes. Those who implement this strategy increase their awareness into their mind and body. Don’t be surprised when this simple strategy calms your anxious mind, even if it is for just a few minutes.

DR. SKINNER ANSWER THE QUESTION WHAT IS BETRAYAL TRAUMA AND WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS? (7:11)

How Vulnerability Can Help Us Connect to Loved Ones

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 16:15:42 GMT

If you like to listen to Ted Talks, you've most likely heard of Brene Brown. She is a researcher who is changing how we see shame, vulnerability, and acceptance. In her findings, she has found that there is tremendous power in learning be vulnerable with others by opening up and sharing deeper more personal thoughts and emotions with people close to us.

The question I have been asking myself is how being vulnerable fits with addiction recovery. The answer that I have come to is that individuals struggling with addiction have the most to gain when they learn to be vulnerable in their relationships.

Most specialists who treat addictions believe that addiction is an intimacy disorder. Meaning, that most individuals who struggle with an addiction have a difficult time with emotional intimacy. This doesn’t mean that they are incapable. It means that while “in” the addiction, intimacy can’t occur. Furthermore, overtime the addiction takes over how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. Eventually, the person suffering with addiction feels so overwhelmed by their own out of control behaviors that meaningful relationships are relegated to the back burner.

The solution then is learning to develop and create intimacy with others. This is why 12-Step groups, a sponsor, and meaningful friendships where you become open and vulnerable matter so much.

When individuals learn to take risks and share with others, they can see that in many instances their internal fears of being rejected are often unfounded. In more cases than not, opening up to others helps individuals struggling with addiction realize that others still care about them and help is available.

The only way we really connect is by learning who is safe and who is not. When we are vulnerable with others, we begin to identify the people with whom we are safe to share personal issues and challenges. This can be a difficult learning process because some people simply aren’t safe. However, when we have refined the process and know that someone has our back in difficult moments, a major obstacle has been resolved. We can continue to open up and develop a strong relationship.

Emptiness and relapse seem to always be related to isolation. For example, have you ever tried getting close to someone without them knowing anything about you? It doesn’t work. Human intimacy requires mutual understanding. If we are suffering and no one knows, that can’t be intimacy. Learning to be open, sharing heartfelt pain and joy is how we can achieve deeper levels of human intimacy.

Through my experience as a therapist, I've found that learning to be vulnerable is one of the key elements to healing and recovery from addiction.

AMY ANDRUS ON VULNERABILITY (QUOTING BRENE BROWN). (6:53)

Self-Care is Actually Self-Less

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 16:01:14 GMT

Does the term self-care feel synonymous with selfish to you? Do you equate time spent on yourself as time taken away from your loved ones? In other words, does time spent doing what you enjoy mean you have lost time to do what others want? Does energy put toward your own goals mean energy is taken away from what matters to others? If you answer yes to any of those questions, you are not alone. Most people -- especially women -- feel tension between being everything to everyone and practicing self-care. Most don’t know how to balance giving and serving with taking and saying no. In fact, some people express feeling like self-care has become another burden, another item on their to-do list, and is accompanied by the thought, “Taking care of myself has become another thing to do and to do well. More pressure.”

The fault in this thought process lies in the meaning of true self-care. Briana Wiest of thoughtcatalog.com describes self-care not as “salt baths and chocolate cake,” but as “making the decision to build a life you do not need to regularly escape from.” If your life is built on perfection-seeking and is dictated by the perceptions of others, self-care will always feel like an item on your to-do list and another opportunity to fail. True self-care isn’t a task or an achievement, it is a process. True self-care is regularly taking the time to reassess your values, re-examine your life circumstances and make choices that support the alignment of your values with your life. Lots is out of your control; lots is not. Doing what you can about what is in your control is a way to practice self-care. Reading this article (and this one and maybe this one) is another act of self-care. Giving yourself permission to take dedicated time for value assessment and life examination is a way to care for yourself.

And here’s the kicker: the more you care for yourself, the more you can care for others. For all of you who have built lives based on service:

Dear mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, sisters, brothers, Big Sisters and Big Brothers, bosses, philanthropists, leaders, clergy members, volunteers, aunts, uncles, healthcare workers, crossing guards, teachers, coaches, social service workers, nonprofit founders, food line preppers, tutors, mentors, quilters, bakers, gardeners, growers, supporters, grandparents, great-grandparents, babysitters, special needs specialists, nurses, personal trainers, protest marchers, activists, law enforcers, law defenders, sponsors, and to all the people who have helped all these people… you cannot give what you do not have. You cannot give time if you don’t take some for yourself. You cannot give money if you haven’t gathered some yourself. You cannot give your energy toward others or a cause without getting enough sleep. You cannot give love without soaking up some for yourself. You cannot offer compassion or empathy without first finding and accepting compassion and empathy for yourself.

Self-care is not a nice idea, and it’s not an item to check off your to-do list. Self-care is the only way to take care of others. True self-care is the first step toward true giving. The next time you think about self-care, think about all of the energy, time, money, love, compassion and empathy you’d have. Think about what self-care can give you and therefore what you can offer others. Self-care, it turns out, is the most selfless act of service we can offer.

DR. SKINNER OFFERS SOME SUGGESTIONS AROUND SELF CARE. (5:54)

How to Thrive through the Holidays while in Betrayal Trauma

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 15:41:54 GMT

“Your dad might leave me. There’s a nurse.”

I don’t know what I expected my mom to say on the phone a few weeks before Christmas 2008, but I know for certain there was no part of me that expected those eight words.

My husband and I were newlywed and living several states away from our families. We drove the twenty hours to our hometown a few days before Christmas and acted like everything was normal. I knew about my dad’s affair, my husband knew, my mom knew, my dad knew we all knew… and we all just pretended. We went through the motions of traditions, and I went through the motions of interacting with my dad. I felt rage, hurt, confusion, betrayal, devastation. What I showed was a dutiful daughter with a forced smile. The night before my husband and I were going to road trip back home, my dad asked to talk to me. He sat me down on the couch in the basement and stumbled through a pseudo explanatory apology, and he ended by saying, “I’m not leaving.”

“Do you promise?” I asked him.

“Yeah, honey, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Andrew and I left the next morning around ten, and at about three that afternoon I got a call from my brother: “Dad left.” He’d packed up and gone to stay with his girlfriend.

I’m willing to bet you have your own difficult story about the holidays. Maybe a form of betrayal, like what I describe above. Perhaps the loss of a loved one, financial ruin, or extreme emotional problems. I want you to know that you are not alone with your hard holiday memories. Whether it’s a tough relationship issue or a death or traumatic event or shameful experience, you’re not alone. Read my story again if you need proof. And even though I have a master’s degree and a job as a therapist, the most valuable thing I can offer you is my personal experience. It’s my belief that the last thing you all need is an “expert” telling you what to do. Here are the top five practices that have helped me during the at-times difficult holiday season:

Yoga and walking: Movement matters for emotional well-being. We process our emotions in our brains and our brains are literally connected to our bodies; if one is well, the other is much more likely to be well. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good sweaty workout (I go to one or two spin classes a week) but my priority when it comes to exercise has shifted from calorie-burning and weight loss to sanity seeking. I move to feel good. Yoga and walking are the most effective physical tools to use. Your duty is to discover what works for you in terms of physical movement.
Journaling: My favorite journaling exercise is to list out my values. It sounds simple and it is -- it is also so powerful. I identify my values and check in with myself and with God to make sure my life and my behaviors are lining up with those values. It helps validate what is going well and redirect what isn’t.
Active Gratitude: I regularly list out what I’m thankful for, almost every day, either in writing or in prayer. I also vocalize what I’m grateful for through my family’s dinnertime tradition of what we call “highs and lows.” We go around the table and everyone says one high from the day, one low from the day, and one thing we’re grateful for.
Uplifting Input: There are some versions of taking information in that really help me. I love listening to podcasts (favorites are On Being, The Longest Shortest Time, and This American Life), reading books (Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness and Gabriel Tallent’s My Absolute Darling lately), and enjoying music (practicing the piano lately has really helped me feel grounded). I also love television (Parks and Rec for a good laugh) and movies (honestly, mostly kid movies). I have to be careful with input in terms of both quality and quantity, but when I pay attention to how I feel after consuming entertainment, I can use it as an uplifting, positive coping tool.
Boundaries: Boundaries - both internal and external - are absolutely ESSENTIAL for healthy living. We have to communicate clearly what is okay with us and what is not okay with us. Especially when it comes to the demands of the holiday season. Examples of boundaries around the holidays range from how much you’re willing to spend on a gift exchange to who’s invited to Thanksgiving dinner to where you stay when you visit family for New Year’s to what type of talk or behavior is acceptable in your own home. Boundaries are so important and very hard to implement if you’re not used to them. It does get easier, but starting that process can feel really tricky.
This article is a great place to start. I also highly recommend the various works by Brene Brown, who says “the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried.”

I don’t know your unique story, but I do know that because addiction, death, and depression strike during all seasons, they strike during the holidays. We all need help getting through these difficult situations. I hope these practices prove as helpful for you as they have for me.

MEET SARIAH! SHE'S AT OUR CLINIC AND YOU CAN FIND HER ONLINE COURSES ON BLOOM . (2:53)

The Difference Between Self-Blame and Ownership

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 15:28:24 GMT

We’ve all been there: the “never again” moment. I’ll make sure ______ never happens to me again. It’s a natural response when we go through something that feels out of our control; we try to reassert some influence over our own lives. Because so much of trauma response is automatic and out of our control, it makes sense that we grasp for any sense control wherever we can find it.

Consider the physical symptoms of trauma: increased or decreased sleep, increased or decreased appetite, heart palpitations, body shakes, panic attacks and tension headaches, plus exacerbation of pre-existing systemic conditions due to increased cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. The physical symptoms of trauma alone are overwhelming. Now consider all the trauma symptoms -- the emotional, mental, relational, and physical -- and so much feels out of control. So much actually is out of our control when we experience trauma.

It’s no wonder we grasp for any semblance of control after we experience trauma. The need for control is normal and valid. It’s an instinct that helps us feel safe in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. How we reassert control in our lives can make the difference between healing and further suffering. Some people turn to blame as a way to feel safe; some blame others while others blame themselves for what has happened. Blame looks like a pointing finger and sounds like vitriol. Blame depends on black and white thinking and leaves no room for compassion or understanding, no space for gray. Blame underscores the oppositional roles of victim and persecutor, therefore contributing to unhealthy relational dynamics.

Blame is especially painful when it’s directed at the self. Self-blame happens when we play both the victim and persecutor ourselves, grappling with the reality that something traumatic has happened to us while at the same time pointing the finger at ourselves. This cycle of feeling victimized and persecuting ourselves repeats over and over again, increasing in intensity and creating a loop that is difficult to escape. And yet this loop can serve a purpose initially; by blaming ourselves, we can create a sense of control. It’s a false sense of control, but even a perception of control feels better than the total loss of control. Self-blame often sounds like the following:

“I should have been a better person. I shouldn’t have been so mean or demanding. Then this never would have happened.”

“I could have stopped it.”

“I should have known what was happening. I should have seen it coming.”

“I knew things were too good to be true, that I didn’t deserve what I thought I had. This just confirms what I already knew, so I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

“If I don’t blame myself, I’ll blame him. And then I’ll have to leave. It’s easier to blame myself and stay.”

The momentary relief of feeling a bit more in control comes at a high cost when we rely on self-blame to reassert influence over our own life. These statements reveal perceived control -- actual control is missing. If we can prevent something bad from happening, of course we will stop it. The fact that it happened is proof in and of itself that we couldn’t prevent it, or else it never would have occurred. Looking back at trauma and using “should” allows us to buy into the perception of control of the past and therefore believe we can control the future. Yet this is a fallacy, a false belief about our influence in the world. And the more we buy into this false sense of control, the more we suffer unnecessarily.

Because most of what we experience in our lives is out of our control, we are bound to suffer. There is an important difference between unavoidable suffering and unnecessary suffering. Unavoidable suffering is just that -- suffering we cannot avoid no matter how good or smart or righteous we are. Unavoidable suffering is out of our control and occurs either because of someone else’s choices (choices we did not make) or simply out of bad luck. Unnecessary suffering is avoidable and within our control. This type of suffering comes out of our own response to that first type, the unavoidable suffering. When something painful happens to us (due to an outside source) and we respond with self-blame (we hold ourselves accountable for the trauma we could neither predict nor control), we suffer unnecessarily. There is enough suffering inherent to trauma; avoiding unnecessary suffering is essential to healing.

The antidote to self-blame is ownership. Ownership begins by objectively assessing what has happened and reality checking any instincts to blame. In that moment of “never again, I’ll never let ____ happen again,” what really matters is that blank. Ask yourself two questions about the trauma: Can it truly be prevented? And it is mine to prevent? Ownership is a two-way street: both accepting what falls under our umbrella of responsibility and letting go of what doesn’t.

If your answer to both the questions above are yes, take ownership. This is on your shoulders; you need to take accountability for what happened and make sure it never happens again. Hold yourself responsible to that blank.

If you’re not sure, or you answered no to one or both of those questions, release ownership. This is not on your shoulders and you do not need to take accountability for what happened. You cannot make sure it never happens again and you have no responsibility for it. What will happen as you consider releasing control of this trauma is likely extreme fear. Fear that letting it go will mean condoning it or somehow welcoming it to happen again. Fear that releasing the death-grip you’ve had on it will mean it’ll be your fault if it happens again. As you work through the fear and toward letting go, you will be amazed at how much energy is freed up. You will be able to think and feel in ways you haven’t been as you’ve been focused on the initial instinct to control and prevent after a traumatic experience. This extra emotional and mental energy that will become available to you can be channeled into the work of healing: taking time for true self-care, cultivating compassion for self and others, releasing yourself of blame and practicing ownership.

Building these internal resources will not lead to control over every area of your life, but it will allow you to influence what can be influenced: your behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. As you further master yourself, you will become well-equipped to manage whatever trauma may come your way. In this sense, you are guaranteeing that what happened before really does never happen again, because even if there is another _____, you will not be the same. Your ability to move through trauma will be different than it was the first time _____ happened, due to your recognition of self-blame and transition into honest ownership.

EMPATHY RESEARCHER PAUL PARKIN TEACHES TOOLS AND EXERCISES FOR SELF-COMPASSION . FIND HIS FULL COURSE ON BLOOM . (18:41)

Five Signs You Are Disconnected in Your Partner Relationship with Three Steps to Reconnect

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:31:21 GMT

THE FIVE SIGNS YOU ARE DISCONNECTED

We are hardwired for connection. The default position of the brain is to assume that there will be a loving, validating, attuned other with us. We can clearly see the positive results when a mother soothes her crying baby or when a father giggles and plays with his toddler. The child responds to the loving and present parent, and that connection fosters safety and security. We never outgrow the need to connect with others. After we mature and develop romantic relationships, our partner usually becomes the main source of connection and attachment. Therefore, if a woman’s trauma gets triggered or a man’s insecurities and fears are sparked and their partner is unavailable or dismissive, it is emotionally painful and often intensifies the pain.

The goal of a healthy relationship isn’t to never have problems. That is impossible. A more realistic goal is to notice when things feel off, reconnect, and repair the damage that is done to the bond between partners. The sooner you realize a rift has occurred, the easier it is to come back to an attuned and emotionally engaged state. This connection is what all humans thrive on. This is also a part of what heals past wounds that you may have experienced in your relationship.

Here are five indicators that you are disconnected in your relationship and rebuilding connection may be needed:

1: Blaming

When we don’t take responsibility for our actions, we blame someone else. A husband might say, “If you weren’t so angry all the time, I’d want to spend time with you instead of being in my room or staying at work.” Blame is the discharge of guilt and discomfort. Because it’s uncomfortable when we feel like we have done something wrong or hurt our partner, it’s easy to place blame so we don’t feel responsible for the problem.

Blame is often the response to our own fears and insecurities. For some, the fear is that if they did something wrong and caused pain to their partner, it confirms that they are bad, wrong, or unworthy to some degree. For others, it’s a fear of losing the relationship, even if the emotional distance is temporary until a repair is made. Those fears are so heavy to hold, we consequently shift the responsibility away from ourselves and push it onto our partner in order to avoid confirming our fears.

2. Always or Never Statements

Statements like, “You never want to have sex,” or, “Why do you always shut down when we try to have a conversation?” are usually exaggerations and not totally accurate. These types of statements don’t effectively address the situation, but it’s helpful to know why we are prone to use them. The most important function of our brain is to keep us alive, and one way it does this is to quickly narrow our focus on a potential threat and devote resources (adrenaline, increased heart rate, heightened awareness) to prepare us to fight, flee, or freeze.

Disconnection in our relationships is perceived as a danger cue to our brains. When this happens, it’s easy to then take an always/never, black/white, all/nothing stance, because our vision narrows on the threatening cue. This is actually an important function, as the brain needs to see things in a black-and-white, clear way when we are under threat or else we’d have a hard time deciphering danger and staying out of harm’s way. As this happens in our relationships, the always-or-never response shows us we are disconnected. When we catch ourselves using all or nothing language, we can take the time to slow down to get to what the root of the issue is.

3. Turning the Tables

This is another common response to fear and threat. A wife might say, “I’m worried when you don’t answer your phone when I call. I start to wonder if you’re out doing something that you shouldn’t be.” He might respond with, “Well, you need to focus on yourself and stop checking up on me all the time. If you weren’t so high strung, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are between us!”

If we explored deeper into his experience, her comment might have inadvertently triggered his shame, the fear of letting her down, or the reminder that he has hurt her. All of those things are painful, and without the proper mindset, they lead to disconnection. It is easier for him to avoid confronting those emotions and deflect the issue and focus on the wife’s “problem” instead of taking accountability for his actions.

4. Withdrawing

During conflict, a common response for people is to say something like, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m done talking about it,” or they might just get quiet, ignore, or physically leave the room. If you or your partner don’t have the tools or capacity at a given point to hold and process through the discomfort of shame, sadness, or fear, it’s easy to emotionally distance.

If someone doesn’t have the right tools, they might distance themselves in order to preserve the relationship as is and avoid making things worse. However, it is hard for the other person to see that in the moment. What they see is that their partner is now even more inaccessible, which leaves them more alone and upset.

5. Anxious Clinging or Protesting

This can take on many forms. If during an argument one partner tries to leave, the other might follow closely behind and continue to drive their points harder and harder; a wife might be driven by anxiety to frequently check her husband’s phone records; or a husband might adamantly defend his point with anger and yelling in order to convince his wife he is telling the truth.

Fear is at the root of these behaviors. Again, our brains interpret disconnection as a danger cue and we find ourselves unproductively using these strategies to cling to our partner for reassurance or to protest the disconnection.

THREE STEPS YOU CAN TAKE TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER

DR. KEVIN SKINNER DISCUSSES REDEFINING INTIMACY . FIND HIS FULL CLASS ON BLOOM . (10:18)

1. Self- Awareness

In the beginning, if we are out of touch with the deeper emotions we are experiencing, and all we can recognize are these destructive, surface behaviors, that is the place to start. Use the five responses listed above as indicators of disconnection and pause to take an emotional inventory to discover what is going on for you under the surface. For example, as you see yourself withdrawing or becoming anxious and wanting to check computer history, take a moment to identify the deeper need you’re trying to meet with these behaviors. The more practice we have with this, the better we get at organizing and being able to put language to our experiences. Mindfulness meditation, journaling, and/or individual therapy can all help with identifying those deeper emotions.

2. Sharing the Deeper and Softer Emotions

After we know what fears, pain, sadness, or insecurities are triggered, we must then share them in an open and clear way. This might look something like, “When I can’t reach you emotionally and feel shut out, it is painful because you matter to me.” Or, “When I see you close the laptop when I enter the room, I get scared that you are slipping back into old patterns. That is hard for me because I want to feel like I’m the most important thing to you, not the addiction.” Sharing these deep emotions takes a lot of courage and vulnerability; sometimes these conversations need to happen with a trusted counselor.

3. Accept and Take In Your Partner’s Expression of Emotion

As our partner comes to us in a softer way, we can respond by acknowledging and validating why they are feeling that way and offer reassurance or understanding. “I understand why you feel afraid when I’m quick to close the laptop when you come in. I actually get afraid myself that if you see me on the computer at all that it’ll trigger you, so I shut it down as fast as I can. I don’t want you to have to keep experiencing the trauma and pain you’ve been through.” Vulnerability is much easier for our partners to hear, which facilitates a different response from them: they naturally want to come closer. This is when we are able to repair and reconnect, which takes our brains out of the primal panic it experiences when we see our relationships unravel. As we do this, we are able to regain our emotional balance and feel like we have a safe haven again, a place we can turn to during times of distress.

How Successful Couples View Intimacy

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:24:25 GMT

As human beings we long for human connection. We want someone to know us. We want to be seen and acknowledged by others. And yet far too often we find that in our most important relationships, we are left feeling like something is missing. Clearly, achieving human intimacy is not easy.

Our relationships are complex.

On one hand, we long for closeness from our spouse. Yet this same person with whom we want to be close to can hurt us deeply. One moment we can be making love and the next fighting. Intimacy is not a fixed entity or stable condition for any relationship. Indeed, intimacy is something that has to be nurtured and developed.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me say that when I talk about intimacy I am not talking about “sex” only. Sure that is a part of true intimacy, but it is only one element of it. Intimacy is a process by which two human beings grow and develop. They begin to see each other without pretense, lies, or deception. Intimacy requires us to see others as they really are and to allow others to see us. Intimacy (in-to-me-see) is the process where we become open and vulnerable with others.

In order to be truly intimate with another person, we have to take risks, genuinely see others, and make it easy to love us. I will explain these three characteristics below, because they are the things that successful couples do to create intimacy in their relationship.

Intimacy, Risk, and Safety

Think about the risks you take daily in your relationships. You tell you spouse that you are tired and worn out. If your relationship is healthy, your spouse might say, “I am sorry, thanks for working so hard for our family.” In an unhealthy relationship you might get, “All you do is complain.” Healthy couples make it safe for each other and respond to each others thoughts and emotional expressions with kindness and compassion. Without these elements, without risk, intimacy is not possible. Every day we take risks with each other. Successful couples create a safe environment, so that the risks they take with each other don’t seem like risks at all.

Human intimacy requires courage and always includes some risk.

Intimacy and Seeing Others

When I work with couples who are fighting or are disconnected, it becomes clear that they can’t “see” each other. They hear the words of their arguments and fights, but they do not stop to really listen and “It’s emotionally draining and flat out hard to be in a relationship that’s not truly intimate. If we are going to reach the deepest desires of our inner hearts - to be connected and intimate, then we have to learn how to create a safe environment so we can take risks, truly see each other, and become easy to love. If we do these three things, our relationships will flourish and we will be successful.”

feel each other. As a result, they focus on the words of their arguments and miss the deeper suffering, loneliness, sadness, or hurt expressed. The result is continued fighting and arguing or hiding and disconnection from each other.

Conversely, when you watch successful couples they truly see each other. Over the years, I have witnessed couples who have been angry and upset overcome their challenges and develop a rich and meaningful relationship by learning to truly see each other. In every successful case, they learn to look and see their spouse for who they really are. This is a process and takes time, but is especially rewarding when couples who can’t see each other change their perspective. They stop seeing “the nag” or “the jerk” and instead see the suffering and loneliness. When you see an addict truly understand trauma or when you see a traumatized spouse see the suffering of an addict, it is rewarding.

Intimacy and Being Lovable

Not long ago, I listened to an audio meditation on compassion by Tara Brach. She asked her audience to think of someone who is easy to love. Next she asked them to identify the traits and characteristics of that person and what if felt like being in that person’s presence. As she walked through this exercise, she naturally shifted into the idea of being that person who is lovable. I thought to myself, “Am I easy to love?” It was then that I realized that successful individuals and couples make it easy to love them.

I acknowledge that this is a difficult concept for all of us. We can all be a little prickly and hard to get close to when we are suffering. However, when couples overcome difficult issues like addiction and trauma, they make it easier to love them. Addicts stop living in denial and secrecy and instead become more patient and kind. They allow themselves to be “seen.” Individuals who have been in trauma find that they express less anger and show more warmth. When two people are working at being easy to love, their relationship challenges are significantly reduced.

It’s emotionally draining and flat out hard to be in a relationship that’s not truly intimate. If we are going to reach the deepest desires of our inner hearts - to be connected and intimate, then we have to learn how to create a safe environment so we can take risks, truly see each other, and become easy to love. If we do these three things, our relationships will flourish and we will be successful.

DR. LEAVITT: INCREASING INTIMACY

DR. CHELOM LEAVITT, SEXUAL HEALTH RESEARCHER, DISCUSSES INCREASING INTIMACY . FIND HER CLASS ON BLOOM . (6:21)

Beginning to Respond to Betrayal Trauma

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:13:26 GMT

INTRODUCTION

“Everything feels chaotic. I can't think. I can't focus. What he's been doing is constantly on my mind.”

“I have a hard time not imagining his behaviors.”

“I start thinking about my appearance and then my thoughts snowball until I feel so worthless I can't function. I just crawl in bed and live in a black abyss all day.”

These are the consuming thoughts experienced by so many women who have discovered their partner's sexual secrets. While feeling out of control is normal, learning steps to regulate overwhelming thoughts and emotions can relieve a lot of stress and pain. In this ebook you will find four steps that can help you start to work on your own healing process.

UNDERSTANDING THE CHAOS

ROB WEISS, CSAT-S TEACHES "SEX ADDICTION ISN'T ABOUT SEX" . FIND HIS SEX ADDICTION 101 COURSE ON BLOOM . (2:30)

The first step to responding to the chaos that has consumed your life is to understand the nature of addiction. Dealing with a partner's sexual addiction can feel different than other addictions. It can feel like all the winds and storms are coming directly at you; it feels like it is a personal attack.

However, it is helpful to group pornography/sex addiction with other familiar addictions because pornography/sex addiction creates some of the same problems and difficulties as caused by other addictions. For example, individuals struggling with any form of addiction often have difficulty in the following areas:

Staying focused
Being in control of their lives
Looking beyond themselves (e.g. reaching out to others, connecting with others, having empathy)
Avoiding compulsive behaviors
Establishing stability in their lives
Being honest
Planning for the future

Many people who know others with addictions will often ask, “Why don't they just quit?” “What are they thinking!?” “Why would they hurt me like this?”

The answer to these questions comes from understanding the severe power of addiction. Stopping an addictive behavior is extremely difficult. In fact, overcoming an addiction will likely be the most grueling and arduous challenge a person will ever accomplish in their lifetime.

A few years ago, I sat in a meeting where the speaker taught me a valuable lesson about addictive habits. He said, “Have you ever wondered why we roll up weeds and smoke them? Or why we drink stinky fermented barley?” He continued by saying, “Most addictive behaviors don’t make sense to the addict or their loved ones.” In essence, he was saying that people caught up in addictions do things that don’t make sense; ultimately, they have lost control of themselves and have become servants to the powerful tyranny of addiction.

It's important to remember that addictive habits and behaviors rarely make sense because the brain has literally become changed, damaged and altered. Our brains are not built to safely see or experience the intensity and diversity of things that viewing pornography and other betraying sexual behaviors offer.

Over time, the brain becomes not only wired to these actions (through intense hormonal and electrical change in the brain), but dependent on them. In other words, addiction

damages the brain and thus makes no logical sense to those of us with healthy functioning brains.

When your partner acts out sexually, it feels like a personal attack. Many women think to themselves, “If only I were better, prettier, weighed less, (or a hundred other things) he wouldn't have this problem.” These types of thoughts turn your partner's addiction into your problem rather than recognizing the truth about addiction: it is the addict's problem. Addiction is addiction. You have not caused this to happen in any way. And no matter what you do, you cannot eliminate or control this problem. Your partner must proactively make the changes necessary to rewire their own brain.

It's also imperative that you learn to recognize your loved one's pornography viewing and other sexual behaviors as an addiction, not solely a desirable hobby of his. Recognizing it as an addiction will help you to release yourself from personal blame. It may be helpful to:

Study addiction—you will realize that addiction often has predictable outcomes
Learn more about your partner's addiction history and patterns
Pay attention to your own emotions
Learn how to slow your anxious mind

GET HELP IMMEDIATELY

DR. SKINNER TEACHES HOW TO RESPOND TO THE CHAOS . SEE THE FULL COURSE ON BLOOM . (18:56)

Do not try to deal with these issues alone.

Researchers have discovered that early intervention to trauma can help reduce the long- term consequences.

Here are a few valuable resources you can use to get appropriate help:

Journal
Talk with a trusted friend or loved one who will console rather than judge you and your spouse.
Attend a 12-step support group.
Find a professional counselor who specializes in treating sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.

UNDERSTAND HOW NEGATIVE SELF-TALK WILL INCREASE CHAOS

DR. SKINNER TEACHES SIX STEPS TO HEAL NEGATIVE SELF-TALK . FIND THE FULL COURSE ON BLOOM . (11:31)

As you go through the emotional discovery of your partner's behaviors, at some point, you have probably told yourself:

“I'm not good enough. My husband doesn't want me. If I were better he wouldn't have done this.”

“Why didn't I see what he was doing earlier? How did I miss the signs?” “What is wrong with me? Why can't I focus on anything else?”

We often think thoughts like these because we believe that somehow if it is about us, then we can fix it. Thoughts like these trick us into believing we have more control than we do over other people, and ultimately lead us to feel bad about ourselves.

In order to avoid self-harming thoughts, let's reconsider the three statements above and look at a healthier replacement alternative.

Alternative/Replaced Thought Pattern

“My husband's behavior is not a consequence of how good, or not good, I am. I am not lacking.”

“It's normal to feel upset and betrayed that my husband hid this behavior from me. It is not my fault he has fallen prey to this addictive behavior.”

“It may take time to overcome these painful thoughts, but I am strong and can do hard things.”

If you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, it may help if you pay attention to the frequency of the negative thoughts, and how they are influencing your emotions. You will find that these negative thoughts arouse your sympathetic nervous system and may launch you into a cycle of feeling more agitated and upset. To combat this cycle, it helps to catch the negative thoughts immediately and replace them with alternative/replaced thoughts. We suggest frequently reviewing the list of healthy thoughts above if you are struggling with negative thought patterns.

Your healing progress will improve as you gain a better understanding of how good you are and discover the reality of your valuable self- worth; negative self-talk prevents that from happening and hinders your recovery. Shifting from debilitating thought patterns to healthy thought patterns is critical to your long-term healing.

IDENTIFYING THE GRIEVING AND LOSS PROCESS

The fourth step as you begin your path of healing from trauma is to allow yourself to grieve. It is therapeutic to allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you thought your marriage was, who you thought your spouse was, and the dream you had for your marriage. These are major disappointments for you and can merit just as much grief as the death of a loved one.

Many women report that one of the most painful things they experience is related to what has been lost. Initially, they imagined their marriage one way and it turned out to be completely different. This loss is not due to death, but instead, this loss is accredited to the secrets and hidden behaviors of your spouse. It is bereavement over the trust and connectedness expected between partners.It has been suggested that there are five aspects of the grieving process. While you may not feel all of these, at some point, you may experience many of these feelings.

Denial: feelings that this couldn't be happening; this can last for weeks, months, or in some cases even years
Anger: intense feelings and outbursts of anger
Depression: feeling down, blue, sad
Bargaining: desire do anything to make the pain go away
Acceptance: coming to terms with your experience

As you bounce between some of these steps, allow yourself to feel the full weight of them. If you are feeling one of these emotions try to recognize these feelings for what they are, stages of grief, and allow yourself to feel them without running from them or denying them.

When we fully move through each of the stages without rushing, shaming or blaming ourselves, we can move into a recovery place at a natural pace.

Gaslighting: How Trust Can be Misused

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:59:34 GMT

THE EXPERT DECEPTION

One of the most challenging aspects of betrayal trauma is the revelation that someone who was once trusted, perhaps more than anyone else, is actually untrustworthy. In most cases, this revelation has a deep impact and causes severe inner turmoil. Racing thoughts abound, such as “What else has this person lied about? Why did I ever trust them? How could I have been so naïve?” Emotions such as anger, resentment, self-doubt, sadness, and worry can overwhelm the system when betrayal is revealed. Confusion often leads the way. Betrayed individuals describe feeling hurt and confused nearly immediately and simultaneously after betrayal is discovered. This confusion stems from the oftentimes masterful and intricate portrayals of trustworthiness their partners have presented to them. For example, many women who discover sexual betrayal in their marriages report husbands who repeatedly, through verbal communication and direct eye contact, denied any such betrayal and comforted their wives with declarations of commitment and devotion. These women get the message from their husband that all is well in their marriage and do their best to convince themselves that there is nothing to worry about.

WHAT'S GASLIGHTING?

The secret-keeping required by lying is draining on the deceiver and distancing within the marriage. Gaslighting is worse; it is lying with the addition of crazy-making. First coined in the 1940’s after the thriller Gaslight was released, gaslighting refers to one person’s attempt to create self-doubt and insanity in another, usually a close family member or partner. One who engages in gaslighting goes beyond lying and turns the tables on the questioning party. The following dialogue, between a wife and her alcoholic husband, shows an example of gaslighting:

Lynette: How come you were late coming home from work last night? I waited up until after one o’clock.

Tom: I got caught up at the office and forgot to call. Sorry.

Lynette: I was worried. I didn’t know if you’d been in an accident or if you were maybe out with your friends. I worry when you’re with them; you drink too much when you’re out late.

Tom: Look, I got caught up at the office and just forgot to call to let you know. I wasn’t out with the guys or drinking.

Lynette: Your clothes from yesterday smell of alcohol, Tom.

Tom: Oh my gosh, you’re paranoid! What did you do – go to my hamper first thing this morning and sniff my dirty laundry? I’ve already told you twice that I was at work. I don’t know what else to say. I’m telling you the truth and you won’t believe it, so I’m afraid I can’t help you. Your problems are beyond my help. You’ve got to decide whether or not you trust me. I can’t make this work on my own and you’re obviously unwilling to believe a simple answer to your question: I was at work and I wasn’t drinking. My clothes do not smell like alcohol; it’s probably gas from the car or my cologne you’re smelling. I swear your nose makes things up.

Lynette: Okay, okay. Sorry I didn’t believe you. Maybe you’re right and I’m overreacting. I’ll work on that.

Lynette was right about Tom’s behavior the previous night; he had been drinking with his friends after work and lost control of himself as well as track of time. It’s one thing for Tom to lie to Lynette (“I got caught up at the office and forgot to call.”) but it’s quite another for him to accuse her of paranoia and making things up.

This is the essence of gaslighting: the deceiver turns the conversation on its head, causing the other person to walk away from the interaction wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so worried about this? Why does it bother me so much?” When the deceiver puts on a good enough show and turns the conversation convincingly around, the partner is forced to make sense of the gap between her gut instinct and his portrayal of reality: “If my gut says he’s hiding something from me, but he swears he’s telling me the truth, something must be off. My gut instincts must be wrong. I can’t trust myself. I must be crazy.”

WHY DO WE FEEL CRAZY?

DISCONNECTION AND RECONNECTION AS TAUGHT BE STACE CHRISTIANSON. SEE MORE ON BLOOM . (12:27)

Because we are attachment-based, we need connection to survive. Without connection, our limbic systems go into overdrive and we cannot regulate our emotions or apply logic to our lives; we simply go into survival mode. It is therefore less threatening to doubt ourselves than it is to doubt others; if we doubt others, we are naturally distanced from them and our connection is less secure. As our connections become less secure, we become insecurely attached and our minds and bodies are under constant stress. Our brains will do anything to save us from this experience, so in order to reconcile our gut instincts with the lies of another, we are more likely to accept the other’s reality than our own.

This is why you feel so crazy sometimes. This is why it’s become so hard to trust yourself. If you’ve experienced gaslighting in your relationship – where you’ve been deceived and blamed simultaneously – the natural survival response is to disengage with the self and ignore your own instincts. This is how we survive under the duress of betrayal trauma. Convincing yourself that you are paranoid, or you do ask too many questions, or you do have trust issues, etc. is a normal and appropriate response to an abnormal and inappropriate situation.

If your experiences sound anything like this, know you are not alone and it is very natural to feel confused, hurt, angry, sad, relieved, and vindicated. Most women report that the sexual betrayal itself is hurtful, but it is the lying and blaming – the gaslighting – that is more difficult to overcome.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

There is hope.

In order to securely re-attach to others, you must reconnect with yourself and rebuild self-trust. Connecting your mind to your body will help soothe anxiety, racing thoughts, and physical distress associated with betrayal trauma. Here are few tips:

Yoga and mindfulness practice are the best ways to reconnect your mind with your body. Even ten minutes a few times a week can make a difference.
Once your body is soothed, it is easier to practice self-care habits such as journaling, exercise, reading, healthy eating, and goal-setting.

The more you practice self-care, the easier it is to trust yourself, and once you rebuild self-trust, trusting others enough to build healthy attachments is possible.

How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:50:32 GMT

INTRODUCTION

We expect relationships to be built on trust, love, and mutual respect. Which is why the shocking discovery of betrayal in a marriage causes feelings of chaos and confusion. Few experiences create more pain and hurt than sexual infidelity (whether virtual or physical). For the victimized spouse, sexual infidelity can create such intense emotions that the memories and trauma may remain for months or even years later. Our studies have shown that 43% of spouses continue to feel the side of effects of Betrayal Trauma for more than two years.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for healing Betrayal Trauma. However, healing is possible. We are honored that more than 800 women have shared their sacred personal stories with us. From these stories and many years of clinical work, we have learned the symptoms and characteristics of Betrayal Trauma and the best methods for healing.

As you take the courageous step to begin your recovery, we want you to understand Betrayal Trauma, how it's affecting you, and how you can respond. This beginning is crucial to set the framework for your healthy recovery.

HOW BETRAYAL TRAUMA MANIFESTS ITSELF

DR. SKINNER ON WHY BETRAYAL TRAUMA IS A NATURAL RESPONSE (3:50)

“I am more angry than I have ever been. In fact, I didn’t know I could feel so much anger all the time, why?”

Another woman put it this way, “After having found out about my husband, I can’t sleep and I’m always anxious. When I see my husband, I want to hurt him one moment and the next I want him to hold me. My emotions are all over the place. Is there something wrong with me?”

When faced with extreme, terrifying, or life threatening circumstances, we may suffer from trauma. Trauma is defined as “an emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person.” Without healing, trauma may continue at high levels possibly causing psychological, physical, social, and spiritual damage.

Trauma happens to people who go to war, who live in neighborhoods with gang violence, and, as we've found, people who are betrayed by a parent or spouse. Consider those connections for a few moments. It says something truly profound that your pains and fears are shared by people in extreme danger, and life-threatening situations. This is why you must not blame yourself for your feelings. Your story may feel quiet and small, but it is real.

When you are betrayed by the person who is supposed to love, respect and support you the most, your world shatters. It may feel as though the whole life of your relationship has been a lie. Many people naturally retrace their relationship's history adding in all the missing details of betrayal that they just learned. This process is jarring, especially when the details from the spouse come in pieces. It can make you feel as though the rug is constantly being pulled from under you.

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

DR. SKINNER ON ASSESSING TRAUMA LEVELS (6:32)

Emotional ups and downs are expected, and the paradoxical experience of anger coupled with a desire to connect is common. These feelings create confusion and pain, resulting in polarized emotions and possibly making you feel out of control at times.

Most women don't recognize that they are experiencing Betrayal Trauma. Many times the trauma and desire to fix their husband's problems can be so great that they overlook the feelings of chaos within themselves.

After listening to hundreds of women's stories, we have a greater understanding of the breadth of suffering that women like you experience. To create our healing model, we also needed to know each person's specific needs. By analyzing written assessments, we were able see if the individual experiencing betrayal was suffering from trauma, and if they were, which aspects of trauma were inflicting them most.

In 2005, I wrote an assessment. This was one of the first assessments, if not the very first, that looked at trauma that stemmed from a spouse's sexual behaviors. Since that time 10 years ago, thousands of people have completed our assessment.

The results have been stunning—and alarming. After poring through the data, it has become clear to me that thousands of women and men are suffering deeply due to their partner's sexual behaviors outside of their relationship. Here are some categories, questions and results from our research:

Fear and Questions of Safety

I feel violated due to my partner's sexual behaviors.

Never (2.87%)
Occasionally/rarely (9.86%)
About half the time (9.65%)
More often than not (25.05%)
Always (52.57%)

Relive the Event/Experience

When my partner tries to get close to me or we are sexually intimate, I cannot help but question whether my partner is thinking about me or things he/she has done.

Never (2.66%)
Occasionally/rarely (11.53%)
About half the time (15.96%)
More often than not (27.05%)
Always (42.79%)

Avoidance

I avoid sexual contact with my partner since discovering his/her behavior.

Never (11.66%)
Occasionally/rarely (24.89%)
About half the time (23.32%)
More often than not (23.77%)
Always (16.37%)

Negative Self Evaluation and Mood

I feel like my partner acts out because I am not good enough.

Never (9.89%)
Occasionally/rarely (21.61%)
About half the time (23.22%)
More often than not (23.22%)
Always (22.07%)

Emotional Arousal (e.g. Anger, Irritability)

After discovering my partner’s sexual behaviors, I find that I am increasingly angry in response to my partner.

Never (2.10%)
Occasionally/rarely (17.06%)
About half the time (23.13%)
More often than not (34.58%)
Always (23.13%)

Duration of the Disturbance

How long have you been experiencing the symptoms described in this assessment (e.g. recurrent thoughts, feeling anxious, being afraid)?

Less than one month (3.77%)
2-3 months (4.95%)
4-6 months (5.42%)
7-12 months (10.85%)
More than one year but less than two (16.51%)
More than two years but less than five (25.47%)
More than five years (33.02%)

Distress or Impairment in Social, Occupational, or Other Important Areas of Functioning)

It has become difficult for me to fulfill important roles (that of employee, parent, etc.) since discovering my partner's sexual behaviors.

Never (11.53%)
Occasionally/rarely (26.82%)
About half the time (30.35%)
More often than not (21.88%)
Always (9.41%)

In reviewing the data above with many other responses, it became clear to me that the PTSD criteria model was a legitimate way to look at responses to infidelity and other sexual behaviors outside the marital bond. Betrayal trauma due to a partner's sexual behaviors is common, and the symptoms are real. And, If left untreated, this condition can trigger additional mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

SOLUTIONS FOR SEEKING HELP

LEARN ABOUT THE FOUNDATIONAL BLOOM COURSE HEALING FROM BETRAYAL TRAUMA (1:58)

Fortunately, we now see a growing number of people who specialize in understanding and treating trauma. Experts such as Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine and Pat Ogden are educating us on how to better understand and treat trauma. Their guidance provides a great model for treating betrayal trauma. For example, we now know that trauma is largely stored in the body and may best be resolved through using our senses (sensorimotor therapy). For this reason, yoga and meditation can be effective tools in healing from trauma.

If you feel you need help, we recommend that you consider the following:

Education
12-Step Groups
Professional Help
Reach Out to Others
Yoga

How Betrayal Trauma Alters the Mind and Body

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:35:48 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and stress. This acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it down.

Stress and anxiety are natural in everyone's life and in many cases they can even be beneficial. In moderation, stress can help us perform tasks more efficiently and improve memory. Similar to exercise, it can improve heart function and make the body resistant to infection. Good stress can even improve and empower one's abilities, enabling increased performance and heightened accomplishment.

Positive stress, for example, is short- lived and is experienced during college exams, championship basketball games, public speaking, performing medical surgeries or even dealing with toddler throwing a tantrum while trying to check out at the grocery store. However, ongoing traumatic stress, like the stress associated with the discovery of a spouse's pornography or sexual addiction, can have lasting effects.

We want to help you understand your stress response, how that stress might be affecting your body, signs of chronic anxiety and stress, and a few things you can do now to eliminate stress.

ARE YOU STRESSED OUT?

Elevated stress can be dangerous to your mind and body. It's not uncommon for someone to not even realize they are stressed, allowing the negative side effects to creep in. Many times, when asked about their own stress, people respond with "Not really, my life is just this way." In truth, their mind and body are feeling the effects of their stress, but they aren't aware of it.

So, are you stressed out?

In this short assignment, our goal is to help you better identify how stress manifests itself in your life. In order to do this, consider the following question:

In the past week, what issue from your life has been the most on your mind? Once you have identified the issue ask yourself this question, "Out of 100%, what percentage of my thoughts have been positive regarding this issue and what percent have been negative?"

Here's a short example of how this assignment might look: "This week, I spent most of my time thinking about what my husband was doing when he was away from me. I worried that he was lying to me about where he was. Out of 100% I would say that 95% of my thoughts regarding this issue were negative and 5% were positive. The only reason I said 5% was positive was because my husband remembered to stop by the store on his way home and pick up the items I asked him to.”

Now consider your own thoughts, what have you been thinking about the most this week? Record your thoughts in your journal.

To complete the assignment, please answer these three questions:

Would you agree or disagree that your most consistent thoughts have increased your heart rate and created a physiological response that others could recognize (e.g. anger, frustration, elevated voice)? Please explain your answer.
If you had the ability to reduce how much you think about this issue or avoid thoughts related to the issue all together would you? Please explain your answer.
Do you feel that the issue that you have been thinking about the most is out of your control or something that you cannot influence? Please explain your answer.

According to researchers who study stress, if all three of the items listed above are happening simultaneously, a person is stressed. While most stress is short lived, some stressors last for days, weeks, months, and even years. Under stress most of us want to escape or hide or get away from it. Have you considered how your stress is influencing you and your life? In other words, how are you responding to your stress? If you are like most people, you may turn to unhealthy habits (e.g. eating, spending, drinking alcohol, etc.) or you might internalize your stress. This generally leads to depression and elevated anxiety. Unfortunately, when we turn to unhealthy habits, they add to our problems rather than fix them.

We now invite you to assess your response to stress and identify potential ways that it may be harming you.

In your journal, please share how you typically deal with your stress. If you don't like the way that you are dealing with stress, please include three things that you could do to better deal with your stress (there isn't a right or wrong answer to this).

Did you answer yes to most of the questions in the assignment? If so, you are probably suffering from unhealthy chronic anxiety and stress, which is relatively normal considering your current life situation. It is important to recognize and acknowledge that this negative stress is typical for what you are experiencing.

HOW DOES STRESS AFFECT MY BODY?

CAN STRESS BE DANGEROUS? THE REST OF THE COURSE IS FOUND ON BLOOM . (6:25)

In a survey of 800 women with Betrayal Trauma, we have learned that:

75% Feel indescribable fear
85% Have feelings of being helpless
62% Relive the traumatic memory of what their partner has done

Is this true of you? Do you feel indescribable fear? Do you feel helpless and have powerful and recurring memories of what your partner has done? If you have these feelings, you are actually processing your trauma normally and are trying to make sense of the situation. However, if these all-consuming thought patterns are not reduced over time, your mind and body will become overwhelmed and eventually wear out. This could lead to long-term negative problems on physical, emotional and mental levels.

Suggestion: In the upcoming section, if you recognize specific symptoms you may want to write them down in your journal. If you find you have more than 50% of the symptoms, it may be beneficial for you to seek out professional therapy to aid in symptom reduction.

Warning Signs of Long-Term Anxiety and Stress

After most stressful situations, we quickly return to a normal state of mind. In the case of a public speaker, their speech is finished and stress is reduced to normal levels. Or, in the case of an athlete, the game ends. Our body is prepared to endure short-term anxiety and stress.

However, after you discovered your partner's sexual betrayal, your stress has probably not been short-lived. As mentioned earlier, this is problematic; your body's safety response system was designed to protect you from difficult situations for short durations of time, minutes and days, not weeks, months or even years. And yet, we've learned nearly 43% of women have reported having these negative feelings for over two years!

Do you find yourself feeling worn out and tired? In addition to feeling worn out and tired, are you experiencing any of the following symptoms?

Physiological

Headaches
Elevated blood pressure
Anxiety
Irritable bowel syndrome
Tired Emotional
Depression
Grief and loss
Loneliness
Muscle tension and tightness

Spiritual

Numbness to spiritual matters
Apathy
Lack of trust in God
Hurt and feelings of abandonment

WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW?

EXPERT COACH CAMILLE KENNARD TEACHES HOW WE CAN COPE WITH STRESS . MORE ON BLOOM . (2:58)

Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and stress; this acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it down. It’s important to learn a few good habits that will curb the intensity of that anxiety and stress.

We invite you to start implementing some basic steps to relax your mind and reduce the constant feelings of stress and trauma. To start with, we offer three seemingly simple yet enormously effective suggestions in reducing anxiety and stress. The key is to integrate them with a motivated diligence!

Find ways to relax. Make it a priority. This includes getting a good night's rest, spending time in nature and enjoying its pure beauty, breathing deep, going out with your trusted friends for a stress-free evening.
Make time for exercise. At minimum, try to walk for 30 minutes a day. Even better, yoga is especially beneficial in the healing process, as it can work wonders on trauma.
Add more nutrition into your life. Eat more vegetables. Eat smaller meals and more often in the day. Try to limit your sugar intake. Smart nutrient intake increases mental and emotional balance and decreases sudden spikes in negative stressors.

Listening to Your Inner Voice

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:22:28 GMT

INTRODUCTION

We all experience stress in life. However, how you respond to stress varies from day to day and even hour to hour. What's the difference? When your energy is high you are better prepared to deal with stress. When your energy is low you may struggle with effective stress responses. When your energy is low your mind has to work harder to perform routine tasks like dealing with a difficult child or a spouse with whom you have a conflict.

CREATE THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT

LISTEN TO THE SHORT AUDIO CLIP "CREATING A PROTECTIVE BARRIER IN DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS" .

A few years ago I was working with an individual struggling with sub- stance abuse. He described his work environment as a place of constant tension and conflict because he couldn’t ever please his boss. Then, when I asked him what his home life was like he said, “My wife and I are fighting all the time about the fact that I don’t earn enough money.” As I considered his life, I thought to myself, “Where does this man find peace?” I decided to ask him. He said, “I guess that's why I drink.”

The lesson I learned from this man that it's difficult to find internal peace of mind when your environment is constantly negative and hurtful. The end result for many in this situation is generally turning to an unhealthy behavior (e.g. anger, depression, addiction, anxiety, etc.).

So what kind of environment are you living in? Is it a place where you can find refuge and peace, or does it feel like you are constantly being bombarded with tension, conflict, and pain? If you find that your environment is negative and hurtful, it's a good idea to create a protective barrier between you and your environment, at least temporarily, while you find time to listen to your inner voice.

Along with mentally and emotionally putting a protective barrier around oneself, many people in bad environments have found it essential to create a “safe place” either in their home or outside of their home. This is a physical place where you can go to meditate, ponder and get centered when soothing through the senses or creating a protective barrier are not sufficient. If you do not have a place like this, make it an effort to find one or create one. This must be a place that you can and will access regularly. In this place, you should put into practice your other tools: calming mind chatter, recognizing negative self-talk, soothing with the senses, and planning boundaries for your own safety.

Here are a few examples of safe spaces:

The bathroom with the door locked
The bedroom
The front porch swing
The car parked in the driveway
Up the canyon/at the beach near your home
At a park near your home

RAISING YOUR ENERGY LEVELS

Are your day-to-day energy levels high or low? Do you sleep well? Do you have a good diet?

In the book Willpower, authors Roy Baumeister and John Tierney, found that individuals with low energy levels are more prone to turn to unhealthy habits (e.g. eating, spending, anger, fear, addiction). The implications of this are significant for all of us. In essence, they are telling us that low energy levels put each of us at greater risk for making deci- sions that we regret later.

We all experience stress in life. However, how you respond to stress varies from day to day and even hour to hour. What’s the difference? When your energy is high you are better prepared to deal with stress. When your energy is low you may struggle with effective stress responses. When your energy is low your mind has to work harder to perform routine tasks like dealing with a difficult child or a spouse with whom you have a conflict.

Consequently, when you have low energy you may feel, think and act in ways that you don’t want to, which may make you feel disappointed in yourself. This pattern makes it more difficult to trust and listen to your inner voice and further lowers your energy levels. This cycle, if not interrupted, can last for extended periods of time leaving you feeling like your life is out of control.

Along with the strategies for healthy living already addressed in the Addo Lessons (soothing with the senses, dealing with negative self- talk, eliminating mind chatter, setting boundaries, etc.) here are a few more.

The Zeigarnik Effect is the tendency to experience intrusive thoughts about a task that was once pursued and left incomplete. When a task is incomplete, your conscious mind is signaled, which may be focused on new goals, that a previous activity was left incomplete. It is human nature to want to finish what we start and, if a task is begun and not finished, we experience mental conflict. Once the task is completed and the goal reached, however, this stream of reminders comes to a stop. So, research has shown that when experiencing a decrease in energy it's helpful to slow down and write down the tasks that are on your mind. Then rank in order their importance. Once you have completed the task, your mind will move on to another task and energy levels will rise.

Along with slowing down and prioritizing tasks, we invite you to consider this energy booster: ask someone close to you for their help. Tell them that you are working on a project about yourself. Invite them to write a letter of recommendation for you. This recommendation is not some- thing that you will give to anyone—it's just for you. This is a letter you can review when your energy is low and you are feeling alone or empty.

If you want to enhance this experience, write a letter for them as well, and then get together with your friend and read your letter of recommendation to each other.

HOUR LONG CLASS ON LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE

SKINNER TEACHES AN HOUR CLASS ON "LEARNING TO TRUST AND LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE" (1:01:46)

Starting Healing from Betrayal Trauma: Establishing Safety

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 20:51:54 GMT

INTRODUCTION

When people begin to work on developing safety in their relationship, the first question we hear is, “How will I know what kind of boundary to set?” The next is, “When are my boundaries reasonable and when are they too controlling?” The final question we hear is, “What if he lies about breaking the boundaries, what do I do?”

The answer to each of these questions is the same: listen to your inner voice. Before setting the boundary, and then while discussing the

boundary with your partner, and again when holding to the boundary, you must be able to listen to your inner voice and intuition.

This article will provide four key practices that will help you create successful boundaries:

Understanding Your Intuition
Establishing a personal “Bill of Rights”
Compiling a list of non-negotiables
Forming a plan of action

AN INTRODUCTION TO INTUITION

The Hijacked Brain

When we, as human beings, experience any kind of emotional crisis the brain becomes hijacked quickly. Trauma causes the blood and electrical impulses that would have been flowing all over our brain to flow only to one part of the brain: the fight/flight/freeze(limbic) part of the brain.

In cave-man days, this would have helped us to get to safety either by running away or fighting back against an attacker or threat. However, in the 21st century when we are less likely to be battling against a lion and more likely to battling for an impending deadline at work, an unruly child, and even our own marriage, we can actually hurt ourselves more by staying in a fight/flight/freeze mindset.

Trauma Blocks Intuition

Along with all the physical damages that occur to our body when we are in constant crisis, also become paralyzed and more confused in our decision-making. When the energy in our brain is spent in fight/ flight/freeze there is little energy left for the prefrontal cortex or the judgment and rational thinking part of the brain.

As women, we have natural instincts and intuition that are essential for healthy happy living. This intuition, or inner voice, is subtle and tells us when things are going well or when we need to make a change.

If you have children, you have probably felt this quiet intuition tell you things like “something is wrong,” “call so-and-so today,” or “everything is right and everyone is safe.” However, when you are in fight/flight/ freeze you may feel that everything is unsafe even when it is not.

This intuition is so important to healthy living not only as mothers but as women and spouses. When our brains are hijacked and we are on edge, intuition is compromised and we often cannot listen to our own gut to tell us what we need in any given situation.

Betrayal Trauma and Intuition

When we have been betrayed by a relationship partner, we often go into fight/flight/freeze mode immediately. This is natural and normal, but over time it can over shadow our intuition.

You may have had times in the past where you felt “Something is wrong here, he claims everything is alright, but I know something is wrong.” Then later you found out you were right all along. Other women have stated, “Things feel off. I’m not sure what it is, but something is not right.”

This was your intuition telling you that something was not right in your relationship. This was your intuition telling you to get more information and protect yourself. Unfortunately, once the truth comes out about their partner’s behaviors, most women loose sight of that intuition, and due to trauma, fall into a confusing spiral.

For instance, since your partner’s disclosure you may have said things like, “I feel like something needs to change, but I’m not sure if he lying to me or if I am in my trauma.” Or, “I always feel like things are unsafe, even when they probably are fine. I don’t let him or anyone else into my emotional space because it feels like I am in danger.” Often your partner may even say, “You are just being too sensitive you shouldn’t feel that way! Just let it go and everything will be okay.” These kinds of remarks and thoughts stir our trauma and keep us in fight/flight/freeze mode and possibly keep us in a harmful relationship.

Ironically when we are in fight/flight/ freeze and are constantly on the look out for danger—searching texts, perusing computer histories, asking about him with his coworkers, etc—we remain in fight/flight/freeze and leave no room for intuition to tell us if our searching is even worth the time and energy.

Recovering Your Intuition

Whether you have chosen to stay in or leave a relationship with an addict, you must be equipped with your woman’s intuition. This is an essential aspect of your healing.

There will be times where you have to set up boundaries for safety and stick to them even when everyone except your gut tell you you are wrong. When you are stuck in the whirlwind of the hijacked mind you will probably feel overwhelmed and not have the confidence to hold boundaries in the face of your partner’s insistence and even aggression.

In order to regain our intuition, we must learn to get to a calm space somewhat quickly even in the face of crisis. Since trauma is chronic and will be triggered up frequently at first and less and less over time, we need to be able to practice going from feeling hijacked and overwhelmed and anxious to peaceful and calm each time we feel triggered. It is important to learn how to self-sooth, calm the mind, and find peace and serenity to connect back to that intuition each time you are triggered into your trauma.

When we calm the mind the blood and energy in our brain will flow from the limbic system and fear center to the prefrontal cortex or the rational judgment and thinking center. When we are calm and centered we are better able to tap into our intuition and have a better sense of what is going on in our relationship.

When we can confidently listen to our intuition or “gut” then we will be able to make decisions about establishing safety for our children and ourselves. When you are able to listen to your intuition, you will know what is going on in your relationship even if your partner is lying or if he has lied in the past.

How to Get Centered

There are many many tools and tricks to getting from trauma to a centered place. Many are discussed in our free resources for Trauma, and therapists can help you to practice and learn even more. Here is a list of some possible coping and self-soothing tools.

Recognize that you are in trauma and make the choice to step out of it
Remove yourself physically from the critical situation if possible
Remember that it takes time to cool off, usually at a minimum 20 minutes
Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel the pain (when we fight pain it sticks around when we pay attention to it and validate it, it passes)
Sooth yourself with your senses
Meditate and pray
Practice mindfulness
Deep breath

ESTABLISHING A PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

EXPERT COACH STACE CHRISTANSON TEACHING BOUNDARIES. SEE FULL CLASS ON BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM . (10:50)

The first key thing you can do to assess your safety needs is to write out a personal “Bill of Rights.” First, you must be in a calm and centered place to write this list.

Here’s an example of a short list of rights:

I have the right to physical safety in my home
I have a right to a home free of pornographic images
I have a right not to feel fear every day
I have the right to a quiet shower
I have the right to take a walk
I have the right to sleep in the bedroom by myself
I have the right to say yes or no to sex

Assignment: My Personal Bill of Rights

Writing a personal Bill of Rights is a great way for us to look at what we need and deserve, as we can forget who we are and what we need. At times we might even feel selfish for wanting simple things like a shower, going to the bathroom alone, or a warm meal. Many think that giving up these rights will make us more serviceable or better people, but over time we find that we may lose our identities. Here are a few examples of rights that others have considered:

I have the right to a private, relaxing shower
I have the right to say no or yes to sex
I have the right to a day or evening off
I have the right to pray on my own
I have the right to dictate how I spend my time
I have the right to take a walk by myself
I have the right to a warm meal
I have the right to social support and connection
I have the right to say no to any request I don’t want to do
I have the right to personal preferences and opinions

Take some time to really think and feel about your personal rights. Don’t do this too quickly, and DON’T merely list things you feel like you should believe. Really dig deep and pay attention to what feels right. If you feel something and then second-guess it, ask yourself the following questions.

Do I believe most other people on earth have this right?
If so, why do I believe I am different?

We invite you to start your personal Bill of Rights. Remember this is a fluid document and does not have to be perfect on the first draft. Ponder, think, and feel as you go.

NON-NEGOTIABLES

After you seriously consider your rights, the second step is to think about what you need from your husband in order to make sure your rights and needs are met, or in other words, your non-negotiables. Keep in mind that non-negotiable means these cannot be negotiated and are essential to your well-being and safety.

Here’s a short list of example non-negotiables:

I need you to attend a 12-step group weekly for a minimum of two years so that I can feel safe.
I need you to attend counseling for a minimum of one year so that I can feel less fear.
I need you to find a sponsor by (a certain date). All bank accounts, credit cards, and financial matters must be open to me. I don’t want pressure to be sexual with you. I will be sexual with you at my discretion.
I need you to talk with our religious leader by (a certain date).

Remember this is just a list of examples. These may not fit your situation or your partner’s situation. You will listen to your intuition and find your unique list through meditation, thought or prayer.

What are your non-negotiables? Write them on a separate sheet of paper.

PLAN OF ACTION

Once you have established your rights and non-negotiables, the third step is to give serious consideration to the plan of action for when these non-negotiables are broken or violated. Without a plan of action or consequence, your non-negotiables have no power.

If your teenager didn’t come home until 3:00 a.m. the first day she got her drivers license, what would you do? You’d set a boundary! Why? Because you care about her physical safety and your emotional safety. It wouldn’t be helpful to just tell her what you need or want. You’d have to set up a plan of action and a consequence if she crossed that boundary, to give that boundary power.

If when she came home you merely shared with her your non- negotiables by saying “I don’t want you driving until 3:00 a.m. anymore,” you would only be expressing your desires. As such, she may take the car and go out again due to lack of consequence. But, if you set up a plan of action or accompanying consequence in case she does cross that boundary, then the boundary has power. A logical consequence might be: your daughter loses her car privileges for the next two weeks.

Setting up a plan of action with your spouse is not as cut-and-dry as with a child since the parent-child relationship is very di erent. How- ever, it is a good rule of thumb to remember that all plans of action should come from a centered place and include the following:

Sometimes at this stage you can ask your spouse to help come up with a plan of action for each non-negotiable. However, depending on your relationship and your husband's recovery status, you may need to set them on your own.

Something you are willing to follow through on
Something you are capable of following through with on your own • Something that feels like a natural consequence of the broken boundary

Writing Your Boundaries

Many women feel that by setting boundaries they are being over- controlling, dominating, or flat out mean. This is not the case. Boundaries are not only out of love, but are based on the only person you have control over: yourself. You are not controlling anyone’s behaviors, but are rather creating an expectation and asking others to respect you. The other people in your life then make the choice; they will then have agency and accountability over their consequences.

Your Bill of Rights, Non-negotiables and Plan of Action, are pieces that will enable you to fully write out effective boundaries. While thinking about your boundaries, pay attention to the following guidelines:

A time frame: it helps to have a time frame to complete a behavior (e.g. have a sponsor in two months)
Specific actions: attend a 12-step group, talk with a professional counselor or tell your family
Outcomes: This is easily written in an “if, then” format (e.g. When you are doing ______ I will do _______.)

Follow Through: As you consider the consequences of certain actions, it is critical that you are willing to follow through with the plan of action. Any boundaries set without follow-through will only show your spouse (or children, or anyone else in your life) that you are a doormat to be walked upon.

Example #1: I need you to have a sponsor for me to feel emotional safety in our relationship. If you haven’t found a sponsor by (a certain date), then I will ask you to sleep in the spare bedroom until you have found a sponsor and introduced me to that sponsor. If you do not sleep in the spare bedroom, then I will call (a person) and ask him to escort you.

Example #2: If my intuition tells me that you have lied to me, then I will emotionally and physically disconnect from you for the rest of the day whether you claim you are telling the truth or not.

(Remember that these examples may not fit your situation. Do not feel pressured into using any examples provided here. Specific boundaries are different and unique for each person and cannot be mandated by anyone but you.)

Take a moment now to write out your boundaries.

Again, boundaries are designed to help you feel empowered. You are setting up the expectations and the accompanying plan of action. Once they are established, your partner has a choice to follow them or not. Your challenge will be to step back and observe and follow through with the boundary, rather than try to force your spouse to comply. The old adage, “A man forced against his will remains the same still,” holds true.

Finally, remember that once people are used to a situation for a long period it's easy to get upset when that system or situation changes. Think of a four year old. Imagine that for the first four years of his life you let him get out of bed multiple times for drinks of water or trips to the bathroom. Now, you decide that he can get one drink of water and one trip to the bathroom and then must stay in bed. The first time you set up this new boundary what will you see? A complete terror! He will probably push your buttons, cry, beg, insult, throw things and do any- thing he can to get you to go back to the old system. He will probably break the boundary a few times, running from his room to the bath- room, just to see what will happen. But after this boundary is held multiple times he will learn to stay in his bed.

You can expect that any time you change an old way of thinking and living (setting a new boundary) that other people will become unhappy and sometimes downright unpleasant. This may seem scary, but remember, that is what the plan of action is for! There is no need to fear. Before the situation comes up, you will have laid out in writing your rights, what you need, and what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. You will have created these boundaries from an intuitive and centered place giving you confidence that the boundaries you have set for yourself and your family are right for you.

As you hold your ground and do what you feel is right for you and for your family, your life will change.

We hope you have found help through today's lesson and that you feel greater hope in the possibility of healing. Remember, what you are experiencing is instinctive and natural, and there are a vast number of women suffering in a similar way to you.

Two Important Steps in Overcoming Betrayal Trauma: Quit Burying the Pain and Giving Up the Illusion of Control

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 20:34:20 GMT

HOW TO QUIT BURYING YOUR PAIN

( LISTEN TO THE AUDIO CLIP: WHY DO WE BURY THE PAIN BY DR. KEVIN SKINNER )

Sometimes, due to shame and the overwhelming nature of trauma, many women suffering from Betrayal Trauma bury or bottle up their hurt and pain.

One woman described her experience this way, “I kept my husband's behaviors to myself because I didn’t think anyone would really understand me. I felt so much shame and embarrassment that I didn’t want anyone to know. Yet, I was dying inside. I felt like I was going to explode.”

Another said, “Many times I wasn’t even aware of my pain. I would keep myself busy with the kids or the house or my job so that I couldn’t pay attention to how bad I felt. Then, every few months or so, it would just explode out of me toward everyone. No one knew the real reason I was blowing up.”

If you have buried or bottled up your pain to “keep it together” or “take one for the team,” it's time to stop. Look at what your stress is doing to you, and establish a strategy for letting out your hurt and pain.

You may have been afraid to discuss what is happening and address the true pain you are experiencing. It's normal for us to feel embarrassed by what our spouse has done and fear judgment from others. Fortunately, if you are willing to take a courageous step in the face of fear, you can find great support and healing.

Emotional pain has been likened to a swamp. If you don't find the courage to walk through it, you will continue to either miserably stand in the middle of it or stand outside of it wishing it would vanish. If you are brave and allow yourself to move through the pain and share it with others for support, you can get through it and leave the intensity of it behind.

Below you will find three key ideas to help you walk through your pain.

Write In Your Journal

There is a tremendous power in journaling. If you aren’t ready at this point to talk about your feelings and experiences, you may find some relief by putting them to paper. In fact, researchers have found that people who journal about their hurt or pain are less likely to be depressed and have better physical health than those who hold their pain inside.

Assignment: Sharing Your Story

If you have difficulty knowing what to write about, we have a short assignment that will guide you through specific experiences you have had. This assignment, “Sharing Your Story” is a valuable step you can use to help make sense of your experience.

"For years I hide from the reality of what my partner was doing. I knew something was wrong, but who could I tell? The children would be devastated. My parent's and family would turn against my husband. Our neighbors would judge us. Who, who could I possible tell?" We receive comments or hear stories like this all of the time. Unfortunately, many women don't realize that by holding in all of the hurt, pain, shame, embarrassment, and anger the issue doesn't go away. In fact, it often manifests itself in physical symptoms (e.g. headaches, IBS- irritable bowel syndrome, muscle tension). Women develop physical ailments and emotional issues like depression and anxiety. Conversely, healing begins to occur when your difficult feelings and emotions can be shared in a safe place.

Furthermore, what you are feeling and thinking about matters. Your story truly matters and it is an important part of your recovery. This assignment is designed to help you give voice to your experience. While the focus of recovery can easily be turned to your partner, we want to validate your story. This is your story, your experience, your pain, and your hurt.

Each of the questions below are designed to help you think about your story.

Please describe how you found out. Where were you? What time of the year was it? Describe what happened.

The day you discovered what happened, how did you respond? Please write down what you were feeling and thinking. Next, focus on how you felt physically.

Knowing what you do now is there anything you wish you would have said or done differently that day?

If you could go back in time and give yourself any advice, what advice would you give yourself?

As you reflect on your story are you able to feel compassion for self or are you negative and critical towards yourself? Please write down your response and why you are responding the way you are.

As you reflect on these questions, there is a good chance that you will remember some of the hurt and pain associated with discovering your partners addiction. However, as you write down your experiences and thoughts associated with what has been happening, your mind will begin to make sense of what you have been through. Hopefully, you will see areas that you have grown in and also find areas that you still need some healing.

Find Healthy Social Support

Finding safe support is a critical step toward healing and recovery. Therapists have discovered that people who open up and share their experiences with others find relief from their pain faster.

It's essential to seriously consider with whom you might share your pain so that you get true support. We all know people in our lives that turn our problems into their own, or who may judge our partners or us. These are not the people to share with. Instead, find someone experiencing similar trauma in a 12-step group or a close friend who may have disclosed similar experiences. Connecting with people who have had similar experiences, especially those who are further along in the healing process, provides essential support and guidance on your road to recovery.

Usually your partner should not be your only support. Even if he is in recovery and is a great support, we suggest that you also find women to connect with. If your husband is not at a healthy point in recovery, he may even be detrimental to your healing, as he may become defensive,

irritable, angry or blame your pain on you. This can be more damaging than holding your feelings inside.

Again, we recommend looking for support in a spiritual leader, support group, close friend or family member who understands your pain.

One resources we recommend for secure, private and effective support is Bloom. You can learn about Bloom here:

Bloomforwomen.com

GIVING UP THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL

One of the biggest challenges women face when they have discovered their partner’s sexual addiction or infidelity is knowing how to respond. Anger, hurt, and intense feelings of betrayal are common.

Another common response is to become overly involved in what your partner is doing. Many people begin to check phone records, look at computer logins, and track almost everything that their spouse is doing because of the fear that they won't know if he is acting out again.

While this may seem helpful at the time and alleviate some of the fears initially, seldom do these hyper-vigilant behaviors (common in PTSD) bring peace to the mind. When you become a detective of your husband’s behavior it turns your energy and focus toward catching him rather than on your own healing. Gradually, being a detective can be all consuming and will dominate the mind. It can become an obsession.

And unfortunately, even with all of the checking and exploring, no one truly has control over anyone else’s behavior. No matter how frequently you check up on him, you cannot control your partner’s behaviors long term.

Sometimes people think that if they check the records and look at the computer logs they can somehow prevent their partner from relapsing. You may have even had an experience where you found evidence of his acting out and he stopped the behavior for a time. This can be very rewarding and may encourage you to continue to play the detective.

However, recovery and healing for either you or your partner will not occur this way. Recovery for you is learning to let your partner be responsible and accountable for his own recovery. Recovery for him is learning to let go of addiction without your constant vigilance.

Giving Up Control So You Can Be In Control

When we asked about giving up control, one woman said, “When you give up control, it feels like you are stepping into the dark. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I became content knowing that I didn’t have to solve everything. I learned that when I give up trying to gain control I actually increased control over myself.”

Many women described giving up control as one of the most difficult parts and also the biggest accomplishment in their recovery. We have gathered some feedback from some women who have been through this in the past. They said:

I learned to let God take over and I began focusing on my healing.
For the first time in months, when I stopped worrying about every single thing that my husband was doing, I finally felt some peace. I realized I was analyzing everything he did. When I gave it up, I found some peace for the first time in a long time. Ironically, when I stopped worrying, my husband began to change and open up more to me.
When I stopped stalking my husband via GPS, reading his computer history every time he turned around, and reading his texts, I found that I had way more time to focus on me. Looking back, I realized that I was checking on him because it made me feel a false sense of safety and control. When I realized that I was spending more time trying to force him into recovery than on my own healing and happiness, I decided to make a change and give it up to God.

It's important to understand that when you give up control it isn’t that you are giving up, and it isn’t that you are saying that your partner’s behaviors are okay, rather you are letting your husband be accountable for his own healing and move your focus to your own healing.

We hope you have found today’s lesson encouraging and that you feel greater hope in the possibility of healing.

Betrayal Trauma Trigger Management: Soothing with Your Senses

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 19:47:13 GMT

HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY TACTICS

When you are in crisis, you are so overwhelmed that you're rarely able to listen to instincts and intuition. In crisis, you will feel even more confused, paralyzed, and sometimes at higher risk of getting hurt.

Since regaining intuition is so important, we will discuss a few ways to help you get to a calm and peaceful space where you can listen to your inner voice.

Below are some examples of common healthy and unhealthy tactics for self-soothing:

Healthy Self-Soothing Tactics:

Deep breathing
Exercise
Reading a good book
Prayer and meditation
Scheduling time alone to meditate
Laughing

Unhealthy Tactics to Self-Soothe:

Absorbing yourself in problems trying to solve them
Overworking yourself Being cynical toward others
Unhealthy eating: binging/ starvation
Use of alcohol or other substances
Excessive or lack of sleep

Observing this list, how many of the unhealthy self-soothing tactics do you find yourself implementing when confronted with a tough situation? How often do you implement the healthy self-soothing tactics? It is very common for women experiencing Betrayal Trauma to revert to unhealthy practices in an effort reestablish peace in their own lives. During difficult times it is critical to have healthy strategies to help you find inner peace and confidence. This store of inner peace and confidence will help you through future challenges.

THE POWER OF YOUR SENSES

A QUICK SELF-SOOTHING EXERCISE OFFERED BY BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM

Your senses consist of smell, touch, taste, sight, and sound. Two additional senses that we often forget are kinesthetic and internal senses. Kinesthetic sense is the way your body engages in the outside world. For example: throwing a baseball, dancing, moving, and jumping. Kinesthetic sense occurs when your physical body is engaged. Internal sense involves acuity or keenness to your experience within our bodies. For instance, when you feel anxious, your internal sense responds with a wrenching stomach, increased heart rate and tightening of the lungs.

Your senses are powerful and provide an extremely effective way to take control over your own emotional state. When your senses are engaged in a healthy manner, your attention is taken o the past and future, allowing you to focus on yourself and that present moment. Experiencing life in the present is the key to a calmer self.

We have created a list of items to engage your senses and help focus and calm your mind. Pausing to really engage and hone into your senses will calm your spirit, help you look outside yourself and allow you to focus on the present.

The examples are as follows:

Smell

Fresh Air Flowers
A favorite lotion Baking

Touch

Soft blanket
A pet
Hug a friend
Grass

Internal

Envision a peaceful scene
Take deep breaths
Ponder and meditate
Be still

Taste

Dark chocolate
Fresh fruit
Gum
A favorite hard candy

Sound

A favorite song
Birds chirping
Beach waves
Family laughing

Sight

Photos
Artwork
Heirlooms
Nature

YOUR SELF CALMING KIT

When our brain is hi-jacked we react on intense emotions and often behave in ways we regret later on. In order to calm or regulate our mind and body, we need to self-soothe.

Unfortunately, many don’t know how to self-soothe and create unhealthy soothing habits.

As we mentioned earlier, here are a few examples of healthy and unhealthy soothing habits:

Healthy Self-Soothing

Deep Breathing
Plan of Peace
Exercise
Reading a Good Book
Prayer and Meditation
Scheduling Time Alone to Meditate

Unhealthy Efforts to Self-Soothe

Focus on Problem—Anxiety Rules
Unhealthy Eating—Binging, Starvation • Use of Alcohol or Other Substances
Excessive or Under Sleeping
Being Cynical Towards Others
Overworking Yourself

Take Control Using Your Senses

A great way to take control of your emotional state is to engage your kinesthetic and internal senses. Kinesthetic sense is the way our body engages in the outside world. Our internal sense involves acuity to our experience within.

Here are a few sense engagement ideas that will slow down your mind:

Smell

Fresh Air
Flowers
A Favorite Lotion

Taste

Dark Chocolate
Fresh Fruit
Gum
A Favorite Hard Candy

Sight

Photos
Artwork
Nature
Heirlooms

Touch

Soft Blanket
A Pet
Hug a Friend
Grass

Sound

Favorite Song
Birds Chirping
Beach Waves
Family Laughing

Kinesthetic

Running
Walking
Crafting
Cooking

Internal

Envision a Peaceful Scene
Take Deep Breaths
Ponder and Meditate
Being Still

Create Your Calming Kit

We encourage you to prepare soothing exercises that are appealing to you by creating a calming kit.

This assignment will assist you in creating a self-calming kit depending on your unique likes and comfort level.

Instructions

Step 1

Make a list of items you enjoy from each of the seven senses.

Here are some examples to help you begin thinking about what you enjoy:

Smell

A Favorite Lotion or Perfume
A Nostalgic Smell
Essential Oils

Taste

Dark Chocolate
Honey Sticks
Gum

Sight

Photos of Family
Post cards of places you have been or want to go
Inspiring Quotes

Touch

Soft Blanket
Smooth Stone

Sound

Mix CD of Inspiriting Music
CD of Nature Sounds
Audio Recording of Positive Self- Talk

Kinesthetic

Package of Play-Dough or Clay
Pen and Paper for Doodling
Oils, Makers, Paints

Internal

Crisis Journal
Religious Readings
Quotes

Step 2

Create Your List

Step 3

Collect One or Two Items for Each Category

Step 4

Place items into an accessible, appropriately sized box (shoe box, tote, bag, etc.)

Step 5

Go to your kit when in time of crisis.

Using this self-soothing kit or engaging in any of these self-soothing exercises regularly will help you to

center yourself. Engaging in mind- fulness and meditation exercises can also help you go to a place where you can listen to your intuition.

Why Living in Betrayal Trauma Feels like Living with a Lion

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 17:00:50 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Your brain and body are miraculous! The human body is designed to keep us alive, safe, and comfortable. When our ancestors came in contact with something dangerous, say a lion that wanted to eat them, their bodies and brains learned to produce hormones, or messenger chemicals, to kick them into gear to keep them safe.

“Watch out! Get ready to run, or fight, or freeze!”

These messenger hormones are controlled by the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is the “status quo” regulator and defense system in our body. It helps us keep our heart rate, pupil dilation, and other responses at a comfortable hum. When something threatening occurs, this system takes messages from our external senses like “I see a lion with big-sharp- snappy-teeth that probably wants to make me his dinner!” and tells the adrenal gland to pump out important

“fight-flight-freeze” hormones such as adrenalin, noradrenalin, and cortisol.

The activated sympathetic system increases:

Blood pressure
Heart rate
Fuel availability
Increased adrenalin and cortisol
Oxygen circulation to vital organs
Blood clotting
Pupil size and peripheral vision (improves vision)

And decreases:

Fuel storage (decreased insulin activity to store glucose)
Digestion

All of these effects help our body to protect itself in the best way necessary. As you can tell, this system is important because it helps us get away from dangerous situations, such as the lion with big snappy teeth.

However, if the “lion with big-snappy- teeth” moves into our bedroom, we end up with a cumulative effect of these hormones, adrenalin and cortisol. And that can cause big problems.

ADRENALINE

Adrenalin is the same as epinephrine. If you’ve ever had an allergic reaction and had to get an epinephrine shot, you’ve been given a big dose of adrenalin. Adrenalin has a lot of jobs. Adrenalin aids in:

Increasing heart rate
Expanding air passages in the lungs
Increasing blood pressure
Moving blood to the muscles in the arms and legs
Decreasing inflammation

As you can imagine, chronic (ongoing)-acute (intense) stress, resulting in a lot of Adrenalin surges, can have damaging effects on the body.

Going back to our example, if the lion moves into the house, our ancestor is going to have several adrenalin surges every day. Imagine our ancestor in her everyday life. She wakes up, looks across the bed, and there the lion is licking his lips. “Run away!” screams her body. Then she goes into the bathroom brushes her teeth minding her own business, when all of a sudden the lion’s head pops out from behind the shower curtain. “Grab the plunger and stab it in the eye!” Over the course of her life, our ancestor’s body will become hypersensitive to any kind of threat and those adrenalin surges will take its toll.

Chronic-acute stress and regular adrenalin surges can lead to:

Heart Disease
Sleep Problems
Digestive problems
Depression
Stroke
Perhaps Cancer

Pretty bleak right? Let’s move on to cortisol.

CORTISOL

Cortisol is a steroid and is released in abundance during periods of chronic stress. It is cortisol’s job to aid in the metabolic processes. It also influences similar body systems that adrenalin does. Cortisol influences:

Blood sugar levels
Acts as an anti-inflammatory
Influences memory formation
Controls salt and water balance
Influences blood pressure

Chronically high levels of cortisol due to stress can lead to a whole host of problems as well. Some include:

Weight gain (primarily in the abdomen) • High blood pressure
Skin Changes (Eczema)
Muscle weakness
Mood swings including anxiety and depression
Fatigue
Problems with short term memory formation

IMAGINE

Imagine that every day you feel the kind of stress and exhaustion that our ancestor felt living in a house with a hungry lion. Your cortisol levels are probably going to be very high. Over time, you might start to notice some unwanted weight gain, but you think, “well it’s the holiday season and I have been giving in to a lot of sweets.” Then you notice that you’re exhausted all the time, you have difficulty sleeping, and you feel weak. You may feel emotionally out of control, high highs and low lows, you feel constantly on edge, and sometimes in deep despair. You also notice that you tend to lose things and you can’t remember easy things, like simple words or people’s names. The problem with chronic and chronic- acute stress is we often grow so accustomed to all of these feelings that we begin to ignore or even justify away these very uncomfortable symptoms of high stress.

Now imagine that this hungry lion is actually your husband. You aren’t

quite sure if he’s going to strike out at you and hurt you with his words. You’re not sure if he’ll withdrawal into his den just at the moment when you need his help the most. And you aren’t quite sure if he’s going to be there when you open up to him. You may not even know if he’ll stay in the marriage, or if he’ll betray you again.

On top of it all, a part of you might really love this “lion” or at least a part of you did once, and you want him to come closer to you and help ease this stress. It is possible that the lion is gone, and now you’re left feeling on edge all the time. Either way, this probably feels extremely confusing, painful, and STRESSFUL.

MY BODY

It is likely, considering what you’ve been through, that you have elevated levels of cortisol and adrenaline. The long-term influence of these hormones can be as severe, some of which you may have already experienced or are currently experiencing.

Heart attack
Stroke
Obesity
Diabetes
Generalized Anxiety
Major Depression and possibly thoughts of suicide

Stressing About Stress

“Great so now I get to stress about my stress??!!” This is often what people ask me once we’ve talked about the harmful effects of long term stress. As you can imagine, stressing about stress is not helpful.

Instead, consider DE-STRESSING. Involve yourself in techniques daily to lower your heart rate and purposefully aid your sympathetic system in bringing your body back to its usual hum. It may have been years since the last time you felt truly calm, so it will take practice. Here are a few things that have been found to decrease stress.

Day-to-Day Practice

Journal
Yoga
Meditation/Pondering/Prayer
Exercise/Healthy eating
Play, recreation, hobbies
Practicing personal hygiene
Creating routine/boundaries around time
Thought stopping and addressing thoughts that snowball into negativity

HOW TO LIVE WITH A LION

LEARN THE IMPORTANCE OF FINDING SAFETY WHILE GOING THROUGH BETRAYAL TRAUMA: BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM (14:19)

Living with the Lion

Since you may be living with the “lion” and waiting to see if he’ll turn into a husband at some point, you may feel that these stress reducers seem small and futile. I suggest a few techniques (to add to the above list) that are unique to your situation:

Learn about the symptoms of addiction and what you can/can’t expect
Work with a therapist to better understand how to deal with your stress and options you have in your current situation
Attend a 12-step group and socialize there to make connections
Connect with a really safe and trustworthy close friend/spiritual
leader/12-step member and call them regularly, especially when stress levels are high
Love at a distance when your husband is not available or hurtful
Set boundaries for your safety

Try integrating a few small things every day into your current routine. Don’t try to take it on all at once, but see what you can do to alleviate some of the stress in your life today. Also, and most importantly, remember if you’re experiencing “bizarre” or “crazy” feelings, thoughts, or behaviors related to stress, remind yourself that your experience is normal considering your context and give yourself some time, space, and kindness to heal.

Why You Need Yoga in Trauma Recovery

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 16:44:46 GMT

INTRODUCTION

We expect relationships to be built on trust, love and mutual respect, which is why betrayal in a marriage can seem both shocking and hurtful, and cause feelings of chaos and confusion. Few experiences create more pain and hurt than sexual infidelity (whether virtual or physical).

Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). When trust and safety are broken, the betrayed spouse naturally calls into question the bond they have with their partner.

Unfortunately, many women get stuck “in” their trauma. These unresolved issues are often carried into their lives and create emotional challenges (depression, anxiety, elevated stress) as well as physical problems (fibromyalgia, IBS, immune disorders, high blood pressure, etc.). When trauma isn’t resolved, it settles into our mind and our bodies.

TRAUMA'S IMPACT ON THE BODY

VIDEO ANSWER FROM DR. SKINNER: WHAT IS BETRAYAL TRAUMA AND WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS? (7:11)

TRAUMA’S IMPACT ON THE MIND

Betrayal Trauma creates feelings of hopelessness, danger, anxiousness and impacts our ability to express ourselves, making it difficult to regulate our emotions. As a result, our problem solving is impaired and we begin to shut down and lose our ability to connect to others, creating further feelings of loneliness and fear.

TRAUMA IS STORED IN THE BODY

Betrayal Trauma generally creates the fight, flight or freeze response. The trauma is stored in the body, even down to the cellular level. These protective responses put us in a protective state of mind. However, if the trauma is not released or resolved, the way we think, learn, remember and feel is altered. Symptoms of trauma being stored in the body are muscle tension, tightness, IBS, anxiousness, depression, TMJ, fibromyalgia,

headaches, restlessness or exhaustion.

TREATING BETRAYAL TRAUMA'S IMPACT ON THE MIND AND BODY

WANT TO PRACTICE YOGA SPECIFIC TO TRAUMA? MEET SARIAH OF BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM (2:53)

TREATING TRAUMA’S IMPACT ON THE MIND

For years, professional therapists have attempted to talk through trauma with their clients in an effort to bring relief. This approach to therapy is referred to as a narrative approach. Describing this process, Pat Ogden wrote, “The working premise is that significant change in the client’s cognitions and emotions will effect change in the physical or embodied experience of the client’s sense of self. The prime target for therapeutic intervention is therefore the client’s language; that is, the narrative is the entry point into the therapeutic process.” (1) Unfortunately, the results of using the narrative approach have been mixed.

Fortunately, professionals have continued to search for best treatment practices. Today, there is a growing

body of evidence that suggests that treating trauma may be best done by blending narrative therapy with movement interventions. Using this model, clients are taught to attend to thoughts (e.g. I am bad person), emotions (e.g. sadness, fear), and body sensations (e.g. tightness in chest, headaches). By incorporating all three of these areas, they learn to attune to their mind and body. Using this approach, the mind and body work together in the healing process.

TREATING TRAUMA’S IMPACT ON THE BODY

While there is plenty of research describing the benefits of talk therapy, there has been less work done on the benefits of treating trauma through movement interventions. Yoga is one of the movement based treatments. Yoga, by definition, is a combination of physical forms, focused breathing and purposeful attention or mindfulness. It increases awareness of the mind-body connection and builds self-regulation skills. It has been shown to have benefits for treating many medical problems (e.g. diabetes, arthritis, fibromyalgia, cancer) and mental health issues (depression, anxiety). (2)

In an effort to determine if Yoga could help reduce post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms in women with complex trauma, researcher Bessel van der Kolk and his colleagues examined the effects of trauma sensitive yoga (TSY) on women with complex trauma who were unresponsive to traditional psychotherapy. He wrote, “In research supported by the National Institutes of Health, my colleagues and I have shown that ten weeks of yoga practice markedly reduced the PTSD symptoms of patients who had failed to respond to any medication or to any other treatment.” (3) This significant finding suggests that in some cases of complex trauma, yoga may be a good starting place for healing and recovery.

These findings about the effectiveness of using yoga were surprising to investigators. For the first time ever, they had evidence that using physical movements to treat trauma was effective. This led researcher Alison Rhodes to conduct follow-up research in which she found, “At 1 to 3 years post-treatment, women who practiced yoga following the study were more likely to show a loss of PTSD diagnosis and greater reductions in PTSD and depressive symptoms.” (4) These findings are exciting in that they offer clinicians additional ideas to support clients who have been stuck in trauma.

WHY YOGA WORKS?

HOW HAS YOGA HELPED? KIM SHARES HER EXPERIENCE (1:20)

(Root is the yoga studio found at Addo Recovery)

If you are like many people, you may be wondering why yoga is helpful in treating trauma. This is the same question that researchers had after discovering these exciting results. In an effort to answer this question, they interviewed many of the women who went through the 10 week trauma- sensitive yoga program. They discovered three key findings:

By giving purposeful attention with physical postures and focused breathing, participants improved their capacity for present moment awareness.
By noticing how they were feeling in their body, it helped them gain a greater tolerance for difficult emotional states and body sensations.
Increased awareness of inner body sensations instilled a sense of ownership over one’s physical body that many women had lost through their traumatic experience. Regarding this, the author who interviewed the women wrote,

“Women started to recognize that their bodies belonged to them, that their bodies were under their control, and that they could be safe in their bodies.” (5)

Based on these interviews, it appears that there is a healing power in movement interventions such as trauma sensitive yoga. There are other movement based interventions such as the sensorimotor approach that have also been found to be effective in treating trauma. For more information on this approach, see the work of Dr.’s Pat Ogden and Peter Levine.

It is important to note that trauma- sensitive yoga is just what it says it is, trauma sensitive. Anytime an individual attempts to deal with trauma, they are intentionally exposing themselves to difficult thoughts, emotions and body sensations. Therefore, when attempting to deal with trauma through yoga or talk therapy, make sure to have professional support readily available if need be.

COMBINING YOGA AND NARRATIVE: THE BEST WAY

When you address traumatic experiences in therapy, your therapist may encourage you to participate in yoga. This is because they understand the power of combining the mind and body in your healing. Yoga will enhance your internal awareness of body sensations. You will learn to attend to breathing patterns and become more mindful of how specific thoughts influence your body. By combining these two strategies, you will learn to incorporate your body’s need for movement with your mind’s thoughts and emotions. As your mind and body work together, negative beliefs and painful emotions will be revealed through the awareness you gain from paying attention to your body’s sensations. By using this approach, you will gain a deeper appreciation into how your body is responding to trauma. This awareness will help you gain a better sense of how to heal.

If you are stuck in trauma, we recommend using a mind-body based approach by incorporating yoga into your healing plan.

REFERENCES

P. Ogden, K. Minton, and C. Pain, (2006) “Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. Introduction XXIX. Norton. New York: New York
D. Emerson, “Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body into Treatment.” Location 36 of 2353, W.W. Norton & Company: New York: New York
B.A. van der Kolk, et al., “Yoga As an Adjunctive Treatment for PTSD.” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 75, no. 6 (June 2014): 559-65.
D. Emerson, “Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body into Treatment.” Location 59 of 2353, W.W. Norton & Company: New York: New York
D. Emerson, “Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body into Treatment.” Location 69 of 2353, W.W. Norton & Company: New York: New York

Understanding Attachment and Addiction

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 22:54:48 GMT

UNDERSTAND THE BRAIN, UNDERSTAND THE ADDICTION

It is not uncommon for someone struggling with addiction to try and control their behaviors, succeed for a while, then slip and feel overwhelmed and hopeless. It’s a cycle many addicts struggle to beat for a long time.

It can take years of cycling through relapses before methods like thought-stopping and willpower become effective. And even then, these methods are usually only effective for a short time and fail to cause long-term change. The addict is left feeling frustrated and defeated after all good intentions fail.

Clearly, establishing recovery and sobriety from addiction is no easy task. It takes more than just understanding an addiction to achieve success. True recovery comes from understanding the brain. Knowing how the brain should function and emotionally regulate helps an addict understand why their brain is different. Knowing how and why an addict’s brain differs from a normal-functioning brain can help the recovery process.

As an addict understands the brain and how it should function, the addict recognizes that addiction is a form of emotional dysregulation. In times of distress or tension, instead of reaching out to others, the addict engages in their addiction - in this case looks at porn, to emotionally regulate the discomfort.

Dr. Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D, writes,

“Our brain is designed to promote relationships. Specific parts of the human brain respond to emotional cues (such as facial expressions, touch, scent) and, more importantly, allow us to get pleasure from positive human interactions. The systems in the brain that mediate pleasure appear to be closely connected to the systems that mediate emotional relationships.”

Relationships don’t just soothe in times of distress. Relationships also provide pleasure and comfort and emotional regulation tends to follow a pattern. In times of distress an individual instinctually reaches out to others, then emotionally attunes to a place of calmness. After calming, the individual attaches to another, usually through physical touch, and stress leaves the body. When the stress disappears, the individual feels emotionally resilient and gains confidence.

THE ATTACHMENT CYCLE

VIDEO: ATTACHMENT COURSE FOUND ON BLOOM (2:16)

Stress: We all experience stress. Stress is normal and a result of living in the world. And stress actually motivates normal behavior and in that sense can be healthy. However sometimes stress becomes overwhelming and unmanageable. Unmanaged stress can turn into tension in the body which becomes emotionally and physically painful due to too many stress hormones in the brain and body. The good news is that the body has an instinctual response when stress becomes unmanageable. The response is to reach out to others.

Reaching out: When a five year-old climbs a tree, he is engaging the stress of the world by exerting himself. But when he falls and scrapes his knee, he instinctually runs to Mom and Dad. We all have this response. When things become difficult, we turn to others for safety and security, sometimes in small ways. We call friends when we have a bad day, we seek affection from our spouse when we feel stress, or we cling to others when scared. This response is part of our genetic code and is instinctual safety refined through connection. Just like buffalo group together when danger is near and flocks of birds fly together during the trek south, we have have a deep instinctual understanding that comes through connection.

Attunement: Once the process of reaching out to others is established, an individual learns to resolve conflict in the context of being with others. The unique process in the interaction between two individuals is called attunement. Attunement is how our implicit and unconscious movements, gestures, tones, body language and eye contact help communicate safety and acceptance between two people.

David Boadella reviewing Alan Shore’s work writes, “Dialogue corresponds to a flow of contact through touch, eye contact, tone of voice and empathic resonance: these contact forms are aspects of good attunement.” (Affect, attachment and attunement: Thoughts inspired in dialogue with the three-volume work of Allan Shore Energy & Character vo1.34 September 2005 reviewed and discussed by David Boadella.)

Attachment: When the little boy is calmed, Mom kisses her son on the forehead. The little boy feels better and has forgotten the pain from just moments ago. He thanks his mom, pushes her aside, and runs out the back door to climb the same tree that inflicted the original pain. He is now emotionally resilient. Reaching out to his mother relieved the stress hormones and he now feels ready to return to the stressful world. The kiss from Mom served as a sign that emotional regulation has been restored. The little boy now feels accepted and capable.

Norman Doidge, in The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science writes, “For children to know and regulate their emotions, and be socially connected, they need to experience this kind of interaction many hundreds of times in the critical period and then have it reinforced later in life.” (227) Emotional resilience: After the attachment process, the little boy is in a state of strong emotional resilience. Emotional resilience makes us feel capable. While we do not consciously connect to

the events previously experienced, this feeling of capability is the emotional result of having been through difficulty and living to tell about it.

Secure base: After experiencing the attachment process again and again, individuals begin to build a memory bank that researchers call the secure base. Confidence is actually the cumulative result of hundreds if not thousands of moments in our lives when the attachment cycle is completed.

THE DAMAGED ATTACHMENT CYCLE

So where does it go wrong? In addiction, sometimes the process of reaching out is damaged or interrupted. There are a few different ways this can happen.

The instinct can be abused or neglected by others. If the little boy falls and scrapes his knee and runs into the house for help but his frustrated father hits him for slamming the door, it will not take long for his instinctual need to reach out to become muted. Or if his parents are not home any time he needs comfort his emotional system will begin to diminish. Or if he is exposed to overly-stimulating chemicals or behaviors such as pornography, his brain may become confused about where it should turn for relief. Compulsive stimulus (object focused v. other focused .... porn v. relationships) produces

excitement and thrill by manipulating brain chemistry. Regardless of the method or reason why the reaching out instinct gets blocked, the brain begins to develop an addictive or compulsive pattern that is a reflection of the original desire for attachment, but it becomes object focused instead of focused on other people.

Isolation: When the reaching out mechanism becomes blocked, an individual will begin to experience isolation. The individual will pull away from others because they see others as somehow unsafe or unpredictable.The little boy who falls out of the tree will hide and cry instead of seeking comfort from his family. These early stages of isolation begin to feel like a perceived preference for the individual but actually evolves into masked emotion, revealing itself as social and or emotional isolation. During this period of isolation, the stress hormones and tension fester and the individual continues to seek relief in a new pattern absent of other people but full of available objects.

Sue Johnson, in Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, writes, “Louise Hawkley, of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, calculates that loneliness raises blood pressure to the point where the risk of heart attack and stroke is doubled.”

Seeking stimulus: When the body seeks stimulus, it attempts to duplicate the attunement of the attachment cycle. However, without other people to attune to, the individual turns to objects. More specifically, objects that stimulate or numb. The individual might start watching too much TV, or eating too much, using drugs or looking at pornography. Before long, the behavior becomes repetitive and compulsive.

Acting out: Once the behavior becomes compulsive, addicts find themselves lost in cycles of binging on pornography, drugs, gambling, or other compulsive behaviors. The behavior works quickly and repeatedly. It also provides the illusion of escape and the presence of pleasure. This pattern is destructively temporary. Once the high is gone and the rush has subsided, the addict is faced with the tension that triggered the initial cycle. No, however, the the tension is made worse with the additional stress of managing and coping with addiction. The brain is overstimulated and major psychological changes are occurring in the brain.

Philip Flores, Ph.D., in Addiction as an Attachment Disorder, writes, “Because of a person’s difficulty maintaining emotional closeness with others, certain vulnerable individuals more likely to substitute a vast array of obsessive-compulsive behaviors (e.g., sex, food, drugs, alcohol, work, gambling, computer games, etc.) that serve as a distraction on the gnawing emptiness and internal discomfort that threatens to overtake them.”

Emotional frailty: Faced with tension and feeling overwhelmed with addiction cycle, the addict feels emotionally frail. The addict becomes irritable and frustrated. The body has rejected the addiction cycle and is attempting to follow the attachment pattern it is designed to use. However the addict is substituting objects for people, so the attachment pattern is flawed. The process erodes the secure base and the addict loses confidence as they continually rely on a compulsive behavior.

Ultimately this process erodes the secure base that develops over time when the attachment system functions effectively. Confidence is lost in the reliance on the compulsive behavior.

Sue Johnson writes,

“When love doesn’t work, we hurt. Indeed, “hurt feelings” is a precisely accurate phrase, according to psychologist Naomi Eisenberger of the University of California. Her brain imaging studies show that rejection and exclusion trigger the same circuits in the same part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, as physical pain.”

REPAIRING THE ATTACHMENT CYCLE

What do I need now? In order to repair the attachment cycle, you must learn or relearn how to attune with others in order to emotionally regulate the tension the addiction produces. You will want to learn how to feel and recognize attachment that comes from a connected emotional experience. This will produce feelings of being calm and internal peace.

If you have been frustrated with your pornography/sex addiction and have worked for years to manage your behavior only to be unsuccessful over and over again, know that there is a path that restores connection, emotional regulation, and eventually self-regulation and sobriety. This path is available through relearning how to attach in healthy ways to others.

Much like a healthy mother-infant relationship, you will want to learn how healthy touch, emotional expression, eye contact, vocal communication, and positive social behavior can heal your attachment wounds. This will enable you to turn to relationships rather than your addiction.

For example, when you learn to share difficulties with others who will value you, you are being vulnerable by expressing your emotions. When you reach out you refute and fight against old cycles of isolation. When you look into the eyes of a loved one and express your love for them, you discover a deep and authentic feeling of love that you may not have experienced earlier in life. Through these actions and more, you will find relief by creating meaningful connections and attunement. As you learn to attune to self and others, your addictive habits will be diminished and you will gain confidence in your ability to recover.

The Six Key Elements that Form a Sex/Porn Addiction

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 22:45:35 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Pornography and sex addictions come in all forms and affects all types of people. And, while each person struggling with an addiction has walked a different path to addiction, there are similar elements within each story. Identifying and understanding these key elements can help you begin to understand more about the complex nature of sexual addiction.

ELEMENT #1: EXPOSURE AT A YOUNG AGE

VIDEO: DR. KEVIN SKINNER DISCUSSING HOW A SEXUAL ADDICTION IS FORMED (1:16)

Pornography addictions often begin at a young age and in many cases, the younger the addiction starts, the deeper it becomes. In my experience, most cases of addiction to pornography actually started between ages 10 and 14. The problem is that addiction starts with exposure and children are exposed to pornography in a variety of settings. At a friends house, an older brothers magazine, parents DVD, R-rated movies, Victoria's Secret catalogues, email pop-ups - they all arouse curiosity connected to arousal. It is becoming easier and easier for children to come across pornography in their everyday lives.

If left unchecked, this combination will lead to intentional exposure and eventual addiction because young children, tweens and teens don’t understand how to process the images that are creating the feelings.

In today’s world, we are constantly being exposed to sexual images and innuendos whether we realize it consciously or not, and children are no different. They are being forced to deal with images and the feelings they elicit long before they should be and long before they possess the wherewithal to process them. One researcher identified that 1 in 4 children who use the internet is exposed to unwanted sexual material.

Exposure to pornographic images and sexualized content is not limited to the internet alone, but can be found in almost every aspect of our everyday life - television, billboards, movies and with this constant onslaught we, as a society, become desensitized. This can be detrimental to children and teenagers and they are exposed to material before they can fully understand the nature of the content they are viewing. A teenageer caught up in thecuriosityofviewing pornographymaynotunderstandthisbehaviorcanleadtoan addiction. He or she does not realize these images are not reality and a disconnect begins to form in their abilities to form relationships.

These children lack someone in their life that can give them a reality check by explaining the context of what they are seeing. Even when parental involvement is high many kids will not want to discuss how their curiosity has now become a regular habit and developed into an addiction. Consequently, most children keep their secret inside as the addiction develops. For years, they fear that if someone finds out they will be punished, cast-out, rejected, made fun of, or otherwise castigated.

ELEMENT #2: CONTROLLING OR DISENGAGED PARENTS

VIDEO: HEROIC PARENTING, A COURSE FOUND ON BLOOM

Parenting plays an influential role in the likelihood of a child developing a pornography addiction. Specifically when it falls into one of two extreme types of parenting, disengaged or controlling. Parents and caretakers play a critical part in a child’s ability to cope with stress and accurately process the world around them.

First, disengaged parenting is where the parents are disinterested in their children or when they are dealing with their own issues that usurp all their time and energy, leaving the child to teach and raise themselves. Often this less active form of parenting leaves critical development phases to “the world” as a means of turning their child to an adult.

In some cases, the parents feel like they are doing their children a service, for example, by providing them opportunities for a ‘right of passage.’ Some parents go so far as to encourage exposure to elicit images as a proper way to relieve stress. The reality is those actions actually reinforce a behavior of coping with stress by looking at material that stimulates the brain. The chemical brain stimulation then reinforces the connection between the action and a momentary feeling of pleasure.

The second type of parenting that can facilitate a pornography addiction is strict, controlling parenting. Controlling parents often use shame and guilt as a way to teach their children, causing them to feel rejected. It may not be recognized as shaming, but constant negative reinforcement of behavior or constant critique of current behavior, even when well intentioned is a form of control and shame.

Children who grow up with addictions often talk about how they never felt good enough, or never felt like they were living up to their parents expectations. This constant feeling of low self worth creates an emotional gap some children use pornography to fill. If they do not feel a positive emotional connection to their parents, they look to other means to fill that hole. To help heal this rejection, children look for ways to comfort themselves, often finding unhealthy coping mechanisms, especially if they have already been exposed to pornography.

It is with relative certainty that a child exposed to pornography at an early age, who then doesn’t develop proper coping skills, will turn to pornography to relieve stress in difficult emotional situations. Parenting style and awareness play crucial roles in pornography addiction. It is critically important that parents learn how to teach their children to properly deal with stress and have healthy coping mechanisms.

ELEMENT #3: LONELINESS OR ISOLATION

Loneliness is often referenced as a reason or driver of viewing pornography. Lack of interacting with others can drive the individual to pornography as a way to heal the loneliness. Many people suffer from social anxiety, making them feel nervous or inadequate while in social situations and pornography can bring relief and escape from this stress. This is especially true if the individual is single and has no current hope for finding a relationship. Often the mantra is, “Why try? No one would ever want me anyway.”

Feeling inadequate about your ability to form and develop meaningful relationships puts you at a higher risk for seeking pornography as a means of forming a faux relationship that only temporarily relieves the emotional pain an individual feels. Ironically, viewing pornography is a way of forming a false vicarious relationship that deepen the feelings of isolation because the relationships are with images and illusions.

Feeling intimidation around relationships or inadequacy interacting with others centers around a fear of rejection. Fortunately if identified and steps are taken to help, any individual can overcome social anxiety and develop the necessary social skills to develop healthy relationships.

While these feelings of inadequacy and intimidation can often drive an individual to pornography, a pornography addiction also increases and sustains these feelings. The relationship an individual may feel with the images on the screen increases their isolation with the real world and prevents them from creating or strengthening relationships with those around them. Others feel ashamed of their addiction causing them to further isolate themselves from friends and family, thus creating a vicious cycle.

Isolation, even under the best of parenting or child care circumstances, can still lead to addiction. Being alone with too little to do and not enough supervision can lead to an innocent curiosity and if unchecked this curiosity will develop into an addiction. Children left unprepared to handle these feelings and images typically keep their behavior a secret. As the months and years slip by the complication of addiction grows.

ELEMENT #4: MODEL OF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Without an example of healthy relationships growing up, it can be difficult for an individual who is addicted to pornography to form healthy relationship ideals. Without a proper example of how a woman should be treated, it can be hard to form a healthy relationship because so much of what we expect emotionally, physically and intellectually is formed by what we see around us.

Some children grow up with very sexualized examples of male-female relationships. When the adults around them are continually involved in sexual acts in plain view or are continually talking about or making references to sex this forms an expectation of normalcy in the child. Even if the child is seeing these interactions on television, if the example of male female relationships is continually covered in sexual innuendo the child will assume that to be normal and healthy behavior.

In overly sexualized homes, children are exposed to sexual behaviors they do not comprehend. This can lead to the development of sex as a replacement for love in relationships because the act of sex has such a strong priority. This perception can lead to one unhealthy relationship after another as individuals seek emotional fulfilment from physical actions.

Pornography fundamentally alters the way an individual approaches and seeks fulfillment from a relationship. Relationships tend to be looked at as only a sexual experience and while that is initially exciting, built on a weak foundation these relationships will eventually crumble. When the other areas of a relationship are not developed, the relationship will eventually disintegrate.

Pornography can also create unrealistic relationship expectations both physically and sexually as the images and actions that are being shown are unattainable. Sex is the focus of all relationships in pornography, distorting the truth about how real relationships actually are and what they should be built around.

ELEMENT # 5: NEGATIVE SOCIAL SYSTEM

Sex is everywhere in our society and currently there is little, if any, regulation in the media. Children should be carefully guarded from pornography, but, in today’s society children are often the target audience for advertisements centered around sexual expression.

Because of the power inherent in provocative advertisements all demographics are actively targeted with sexually based ads. But exposure doesn’t stop there. For example, 75% of prime time television in the 99-00 season included sexual content. Cultural norms teach society what behavior is and isn’t appropriate, regardless of what the consequences are.

While society ignores the problem, pornography and sex addiction rates reach new heights each year.

Sex sells in our society and with the amount of money that is generated each year, there are no signs of it stopping. With this emphasis on sex, pornography and sexual addictions will continue to grow each year. If this negative social system is left unchecked, pornography will erode our society right before our eyes.

ELEMENT #6: EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCE

It is not uncommon for children to be exposed to sexual experiences at an early age, whether it is by the hand of an adult or another child. Any sexual experience that a child is exposed to is premature for their mind and they are unable to make sense or understand the meaning of that experience. Because they are not able to properly process the experience, they can become fixated on the thoughts and feelings that the experience caused. Their mind can become stunted on those sexual feelings as they try to understand them.

Evidence has shown that our genes can be altered, and when children are exposed to sexual experiences at an early age, their genes can be altered to become focused on sexual stimulation. When pornography is viewed by a child who has had a sexual experience, the stimulation they felt during those experiences is brought back to life and can create more confusion as the child tries to figure out those feelings of excitement or arousal. That confusion can lead to exploration or visualization of images that cause those feelings again.

The Power of Journaling

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 22:32:50 GMT

INTRODUCTION

A few years ago I had a client call me during an anxiety attack. I took the call because I knew that she was in a lot of emotional pain. Unfortunately, I only had a few minutes before my next client would arrive. I quickly assessed her emotional state and how to proceed. The thought that came to my mind in that moment was, "I don't have enough time to help her navigate through this difficult issue. What is the next best alternative?" I knew that she didn't have family or social support that could respond quickly to her need, so that wasn't an option. At that point I suggested that she take out of piece of paper and write down the conversation with her dad that triggered her emotional pain. I invited her to write all of the things that came to her mind. In particular, I wanted her to focus on what the emotional pain she felt from her conversation with her father and then I wanted her to identify what she wanted to say to him. I asked her if she could complete that assignment

and then call me back in two hours. She agreed and we hung up phone.

When she called me back I didn't know what to expect. If I had been asked to guess what emotional state she would be in when she called, I would have guessed that she would have still been upset and hurt. Instead, I was surprised by the clarity and conviction that she held in her voice. She described writing about the argument that she had had with her father. During her writing experience she somehow managed to shift her internal pain to what her father was feeling and thinking. She started seeing things from his perspective. Then she described to me the conversation that she wanted to have with her father. She had written down her key points. She then, in an emotionally calm voice said, "I am going to talk with my father this evening." At this point, I was stunned. During that afternoon her writing had helped her understand her own pain, her father's perspective, and what conversation she needed to have with him. That phone conversation was about five minutes long. It was the best therapy I never did.

I have thought a lot about the experience I had with my client. I have wondered why taking time to write down her thoughts and feelings changed her emotional state. What was happening in her mind? After this experience I began reviewing research literature about journaling. I was surprised to discover that for more than 30 years, clinicians have been studying the outcomes of expressive writing (journaling). I soon discovered that my client's experience was not unique at all. In fact, researchers have found that journaling can reduce common emotional issues like depression and anxiety (Baikie & Wilhelm, 2005). What is even more impressive is that journaling can improve your physical health as well (Pennebaker, Kiecolt- Glaser, & Glaser, 1988). Journaling has also been found to be an effective tool to use after a job loss (Spera, Buhrfiend, & Pennebaker, 1994), after trauma (Greenberg, Wortman, & Stone, 1996), and after a relationship break-up (Lepore & Greenberg, 2002). The supporting evidence surrounding journaling is clear. Obviously not

everyone will experience the same benefits from journaling, but the research indicates that many who journal benefit emotionally and physically.

WHY JOURNALING CAN HELP

In my research it became clear that journaling was effective, but I began to wonder why it was helpful to so many people. While there is no exact answer, many of the researchers have offered their suggestions. For example, Dr. James Pennebaker, one of the leading researchers in this area, found that many people suppress or inhibit their expression of emotions, which triggers negative emotional and physical consequences. What is especially interesting about Dr. Pennebakers' research is that inhibition of positive emotions also created health problems (Pennebaker, 1990). The general idea is that when individuals suppress emotions, either positive or negative, it takes a negative toll on the body and the mind. On the other hand, when individuals learn how to express their emotions in meaningful ways, they benefit physically and emotionally.

Consider the emotional shift in the client that I mentioned in the introduction. When she slowed her

mind down and put her experience on paper, her emotional state of mind changed. As she expressed her frustration regarding the argument she had had with her father, she was able to clarify her own pain and hurt. This expression of emotions via journaling calmed her agitated mind. It also allowed her to consider how her father was feeling. This was a seemingly unintended positive consequence of her journaling.

It truly is a significant finding that expressing emotions through journaling can improve your physical health. I have thought a lot about the idea of suppressing a stressful event and have come to believe that these findings should be highlighted and put in bold letters that read something like this, " SUPPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU PHYSICALLY SICK" or "EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION WILL IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING. "

JOURNALING: WHO, HOW, AND WHEN IT HELPS

VIDEO: WRITING FOR HAPPINESS, A COURSE FOUND ON BLOOM

Since journaling has been found to be effective, many researchers have started asking deeper questions like, "Who benefits the most from journaling?", "When is the best time to journal?", "Can journaling be an aid to therapy?", "Are there side effects or potential negative outcomes associated with journaling?" and "Are there ways or methods that can make journaling more effective?" The final part of this article will address these questions.

Question: Who benefits the most from journaling?

Answer: Journaling can help almost anyone. However, for some groups it may be more beneficial than others. For example, it has been found to be especially effective for individuals who struggle to express themselves emotionally. Those who are shy by nature find that journaling is an

effective way to express themselves without being forced to confide in someone they may not know. Another group of individuals who benefit from writing are those who are trying to make sense of a difficult experience or trauma. Sometimes it is journaling that is the first step to dealing with issues that have been plaguing them their entire life. Along this same line of thinking Kate Thompson wrote, "Writing can express material which is previously unexpressed or access previously inaccessible material, allowing it to come to the

surface" (Thompson, 2004). Journaling also helps groups of individuals who may not have someone to talk with about their problems (e.g., military personal, individuals living in rural settings, people who feel alone or who have no current close relationships).

Question: When is the best time to journal?

Answer: Journaling can be done at any time of the day or night. In fact, this may be one of the most beneficial elements of journaling. A journal has been described as "an immediate accessible container available at any time, not dependent on the presence of others. It is available when no one else is, at 3 a.m., in the middle of a panic attack" (Thompson, 2004). This is what happened to the client I referred to earlier. I was not available and at the time when she needed me the most. Her ability to turn to paper and write down her painful experience was therapeutic to her.

The National Center for PTSD and other researchers have found that the earlier a difficult or traumatic experience is "dealt with" the less likely the person is to experience long-term emotional issues (Department of Veterans Affairs, 2007) (Levin, 2007). Based on these findings, journaling may be one of the first lines of defense for individuals who have no one to talk to or who, for security reasons, cannot talk about what they have experienced. A good rule of thumb regarding when to journal is this: if you are experiencing something that is stirring up a lot of emotions inside of you, it is a good time to write down what you are feeling and thinking.

Question: Can journaling be an aid to therapy?

Answer: In my personal experience I have found that clients who write down their thoughts and emotions outside of therapy come to therapy more prepared to discuss their progress and what they have learned. My experience with my client is just one of many examples of how journaling can assist my clients and it is a valuable tool that clients can use outside of my office. Furthermore, when I give clients specific writing assignments based on our sessions they make additional progress between our sessions. I have discovered that clients who journal often move through therapy faster than those who don't write.

Question: Are there side effects or potential negative outcomes associated with journaling?

Answer: This is a very good question. The answer is yes there are potential side effects of journaling. Journaling can stir up many emotions, especially when dealing hurtful and painful experiences from the past. Some individuals can trigger memories that are so painful that they don't know how to stop the negative feelings. Consequently, any time a person writes or attempts to deal with mental health related issues, they need to make sure that they have someone who can assist them if necessary.

Dr. James Pennebaker has found in his writing exercise, which consists of writing for 20 minutes a day for four days in a row, that this process can initially elevate stress levels and trigger higher levels of emotional pain. Fortunately, his research shows that individuals who are willing to go through the initial pain of bringing up traumatic memories in their journaling exercise are less depressed and have better physical health scores a few months later (Pennebaker, 1990). When a person stirs up the emotions from the past, it can initially create added stress. However, by addressing the issue through journaling the issue somehow loses its power and the individual reaps the reward of better emotional and physical health.

Question: Are there ways or methods that can make journaling more effective?

Answer: There are certain types of journaling that are more effective than others. Researchers have found that writing about neutral events (e.g., the weather) does not have the powerful effect that writing about how one feels about an event or earlier life experience does. Dr. Pennebaker's work with various groups clearly demonstrates that individuals who open up and disclose emotional pain make greater progress over time. Here's an example of two different approaches to addressing the journal entry topic: "Tell us about your day." In one example, you will see a neutral response that offers little insight into how this person felt about the day. In the second example, you will see someone who opened up and disclosed her deeper emotions.

Example #1: Today we went to the park and had a picnic with my mom and step-father. We played with the Frisbee and went for a short walk. When we were done at the park we went out for ice cream. Got home late and put the kids to bed. It was a busy day.

Example #2: Today we met mom and her husband (Tom) at the park for a picnic. This is an experience that I don't enjoy as much as I used to. I am still hurt by my mom's decision to marry Tom. I felt like she has ignored us kids since their marriage and when we attend activities like this, I think it is just for show. I don't think her heart is into being a grandmother. It hurts to say this and maybe I am being too sensitive, but that is how I feel about the way things are with my mother right now. I don't like feeling this way. I want to have a better relationship with her, but I don't know where to begin. It seems like I don't ever get the chance to just talk with her alone. Even if I could talk with her alone, I don't know that I trust her enough to tell her how I feel.

According to research what would be the outcome of these two examples? In the first example, a neutral response to the writing topic would not be beneficial emotionally or physically. In fact, if there were negative, suppressed emotions about this experience it could actually have a negative impact on this person's life. In the second example you will notice an open disclosure of frustration, hurt, and pain. This is the type of open disclosure that helps a person make sense of what they are feeling and it helps in the healing process.

CONCLUSION

Journaling can be a powerful tool that can be used in dealing with difficult emotions and traumatic experiences. Those who participate in it are more likely to reduce symptoms

associated with depression and anxiety. They are also likely to have better physical health. The only caution about journaling is that when you are journaling about difficult issues, you may initially experience more emotional pain. However, over time the openness of disclosure will provide health benefits.

So what will you be journaling about?

REFERENCES

Baikie, K. A., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 11, 338-346.
Pennebaker, J. W., Kiecolt-Glaser, J., & Glaser, R. (1988). Disclosure of traumas and immune function: Health implications for psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 239-245.
Spera, S. P., Buhrfiend, E. D. & Pennebaker, J. W. (1994). Expressive writing and coping with job loss. Academy of Management Journal, 37, 722-733.
Greenberg, M. A., Wortman, C. B. & Stone, A. A. (1996). Emotional expression and physical health. Revising traumatic memories or fostering self-regulation? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, 588-602.
Lepore, S. J. & Greenberg, M. A. (2002). Mending broken hearts: Effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology and Health, 17, 547-560.
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. Guilford Press. New York: New York.
Thompson, K. (2004). Journal Writing as a Therapeutic Tool. In G. Bolton, S. Howlett, & C. Lago, J. K. Wright (Eds.), Writing Cures: An Introductory Handbook of Writing in Counselling and Psychotherapy (pp. 72-84. Publisher: Brunner-Routledge. New York: New York.
http://ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/ncdocs/fact_shts/fs_what_can_i_do.html
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/42/24/18.2.full
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. Guilford Press. New York: New York.

What is pornography addiction?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 17:57:26 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Are you reading this because you know you have an addiction?

Because you’d like to believe you don’t have an addiction?

Are you concerned a spouse or loved one has an addiction?

Many people don’t realize they are addicted until there is either a consequence associated with their behavior (i.e. someone discovers pornography on their cell phone). Or they try to stop the behavior, and realize they are unable to do so on their own. No matter what the scenario is, being completely honest with yourself and those around you is critical to overcoming addiction.

Regardless of the reason you chose to read this material, our goal is to help you identify what an addiction to pornography looks like. This is not meant to be used as a detectives guide for forcing someone to admit their addiction. Shaming someone into behavior change never succeeds in helping them stop the behavior over the long term. This information is only meant to help you identify what an addiction to pornography looks like so you can better determine what level of help you need to seek.

Are you concerned about the severity of your porn use? Take our free " Levels of Porn Use " assessment HERE .

MINIMIZING THE PROBLEM

Our natural, human response when taking accountability for bad behavior is to minimize it. We believe if we can make the offense sound less serious it somehow relieves us of the burden to change. We think that it might reduce the negative reactions others will have and reduce any potential consequences. As a result, most individuals with an addiction to pornography deceive themselves into thinking the problem is not as bad as it really is, and worse, they deceive those around them into thinking everything is okay.

This principle is best showcased by the experience one of my clients had several years ago. When she came to my office, she declared emphatically that her husband had a pornography addiction problem. She had tried for years to get him to seek help and at times he agreed, but he successfully convinced previous therapists that he was only viewing it once every few months, and therefore it was not a big deal. Those therapists didn’t ask any follow up questions, never looked at any further underlying issues and were eventually convinced the behavior was not an issue.

By the time the couple made it to my office, the husband had finally admitted to having affairs and spending time at strip clubs. Pornography was only one symptom of much deeper rooted sexual issues. Those issues were not addressed in therapy because the husband was successfully minimizing his addiction.

WHAT DOES ADDICTION LOOK LIKE?

VIDEO: DR. SKINNER EXPLAINING HOW A SEXUAL ADDICTION IS FORMED (1:16)

Our purpose here is to help you take an honest look at your behavior because only a real and honest look through self-evaluation can begin the healing process.

David Viscott’s statement, “If you lived honestly your life would heal itself,” is something you must live by if you want to begin to successfully progress through the recovery process. Since minimizing the behavior is such a common practice for those facing pornography addiction, in addition to discounting the impact of these behaviors and how they affect others, the focus of the following section is to gain self-awareness into your involvement with pornography.

Here is a list for you to consider as you think about your circumstance:

When the urge comes, despite your best efforts, you cannot resist it and eventually view it.
You spend more time than you originally anticipated viewing pornography.
You formulate plans to stop, but are consistently unable to do it.
The amount of time you are spending obtaining and viewing pornography or being
sexual through masturbation, with another person, or object.
You’re constantly preoccupied with sexual fantasy, thoughts, or preparatory activities.
Viewing pornography takes significant time away from other obligations with your job,
school, family, friends, church, etc.
Even after the consequences of your pornography use are made clear, you continue
participating in the behavior.
More and more time and different or new images are necessary for you to achieve arousal or the desired result.
You’re deliberately reducing the time you spend with your spouse, at your work, helping out at home, etc. to make time for pornography viewing.

You experience any of the following symptoms if you crave an orgasm, but cannot achieve it:

dizziness
body aches
headaches
sleeplessness
restlessness
anxiety
mood swings
depression

Since pornography addiction parallels sexual addiction, a minimum of 3 of the above 10 are needed for an addiction to be present. However, that is not always the case because human behavior is much closer to a pendulum than a constant point. Addictive behavior exists on a continuum - meaning that a person can progress through various degrees of addiction. For this reason, it is absolutely critical to honestly evaluate where you currently are and where you have been on the 7 levels of pornography addiction.

If at any time while reading this guide, you’ve felt the desire to change your current behavior, if your mind is telling you that you need to

change or things will get worse, if you’ve felt like you can handle your current behavior, I implore you to enroll at no cost in our course Foundational Tools for Recovery. Recovery starts when you can honestly evaluate what you are telling yourself and act with courage to start a path to healing.

IS RECOVERY FROM PORN ADDICTION POSSIBLE?

VIDEO BY ROB WEISS LCSW , CSAT-S , VIA OUR SISTER COMPANY: BLOOM

CLICK HERE FOR MORE COURSES FROM BLOOM

How Sexual Betrayal Relates to PTSD

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:22:09 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss how sexual betrayal relates to PTSD

What is trauma?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:17:18 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss trauma symptoms.

How Mindfulness Helps Trauma

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:13:32 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss how mindfulness can help with trauma.

What are the best practices for mindfulness and trauma?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:07:58 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss how to best implement mindfulness to help overcome trauma.

How to Not be Afraid to Love

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:58:57 GMT

In this four part series, Brett Williams, LMFT and 20 year relationship expert will teach you how you can overcome the fear of loving others. In his four part course, you'll learn:

Control
The connection between love and pain. Have you ever noticed that the more you love, the more vulnerable you feel, therefore making loving others scary?
How to love yourself
How to love others, even when it's dangerous

PART1: CONTROL

PART 2: LOVE VS SAFETY

PART 3: WHAT IS LOVE?

PART 4: THE LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION

Choosing Your Partner and Loving Your Choice

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:43:04 GMT

In the beginning most people marry because of an intense attachment of love. However, over time, the intensity or “honeymoon” phase of a marriage can wear off, bringing additional challenges.

To maintain a healthy relationship, each couple needs to move into the next phase, the healthy attachment phase.

Unfortunately, many couples find this transition difficult.

Led by Angel Adams, a Certified Family Educator, enjoy a discussion around the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). In her presentation, Angel will show that there’s logic to love! She will directly address the emotional bonding needs that help create strong relationship, safe and healthy relational attachment.

In this class you’ll learn:

The RAM, including the five most basic needs of human attachment
How the RAM works for those seeking an improved attachment in their relationships
How to put the RAM in action in your own life

Your understanding of the RAM will allow you the opportunity to securely attach in each bonding process; know, trust, commit, rely and touch. In addition, when choosing or re-choosing a partner the RAM will teach you to evaluate your relationship as the bonding is taking place to form a safe and healthy attachment of love.

The Five Love Languages

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:37:32 GMT

ncluded is the video presentation given by our very own Rachel Augustus and Jenae Lindsey, in front of a live audience, teaching:

The Five Love Languages

Based off of Dr. Gary Chapman's book, the New York Times best seller, The Five Love Languages, our very own Rachel August and Jenae Lindsey discuss the different ways people communicate with their partners, taking the mystery out of what our significant other really wants and expects from us.

What to do when my spouse has relapsed?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:33:16 GMT

Dr. Skinner answers the question: What to do when my spouse has relapsed?

Ashlynn's Recovery Story

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:29:41 GMT

Ashlynn shares the story of her husband's betrayal, her trauma, recovery and relationship reconnection.

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What do I do when my addict husband doesn't believe that I love him?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:26:28 GMT

Dr. Skinner answers the question: What do I do when my addict husband doesn't believe that I love him?

Overcoming our Weaknesses as Parents

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:17:55 GMT

For many, if you don’t give birth to your biggest test in this life, you likely married it. For some, you’ve had both.

In this class, David Thompson, expertly teaches how we can overcome our weaknesses as parents.

From Sad to Stoked: Learning How to Change Your Emotional State

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:05:15 GMT

Did you know that your emotions dictate your decisions? It's true!

In this course taught by Sam Tielemans, you'll learn how to make better decisions by changing your emotions and removing the blocks preventing you from living an extraordinary life.

How You Can Parent to Create Strong, Resilient Kids

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 21:08:31 GMT

In this class, Caitlin and Rachel will teach you the most effective strategies for raising a resilient generation through their personal experiences in their offices and at home.

> CLICK HERE FOR THE ACCOMPANYING HANDOUT

Improve Your Life Through Communication: the Link Between Words and Emotions

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:49:42 GMT

Our experiences are limited by our language.

In this 50 minute presentation in front of a live audience, David Thompson expertly teaches the important link between communication and emotions and how to better express our emotions using words.

By learning how to express our emotions using words, we can improve the way we experience all aspects of life.

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:45:20 GMT

In this 50 minute presentation in front of hundreds of people, Tyler Patrick teaches that sobriety alone is not the ultimate goal for recovering from addiction! In order for lasting success to happen in recovery it is vital that a change in lifestyle based on principles of connection begin to take shape. This presentation will teach practical tools to help foster principles of self-compassion, mindful living, and authentic connection with others.

The Science of Addiction

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:41:46 GMT

Brannon Patrick, LCSW, CSAT provides parents with an essential formula in raising children to avoid pornography addiction.

This course is about 38 minutes in length. Make sure you give yourself enough time to see it all the way through.

Preventing Pornography Addiction: Five Essential Steps

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:37:58 GMT

Accountability: An Essential Requirement in Addiction Recovery

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:25:36 GMT

Our research shows that correct accountability is essential to recovery. In this series we will teach you the what, why and how of correct accountability in recovery.

Before we begin, Coby found recovery and credits his success in large part due to his accountability team. Here's his story:

PART 1: FIVE PRINCIPLES BEHIND REAL RECOVERY

PART 2: FIVE WAYS TO BUILD RECOVERY CAPITAL

PART 3: WHAT DOES ACCOUNTABILITY HAVE TO DO WITH RECOVERY?

PART 4: FLYING SOLO VS HAVING A WINGMAN

PART 5: SEVEN STEPS TO EFFECTIVE ACCOUNTABILITY

PART 6: THE ROLE OF ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS

THE FULL PRESENTATION

How can mindfulness mediate addiction?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 19:29:06 GMT

The key to overcoming unwanted behaviors is to build recovery capital. One tool to add to your arsenal is that of mindfulness. Learn from Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun about how mindfulness and therapy can work together.

How is practicing mindfulness like being a buffalo?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 17:25:08 GMT

Alan and Rebecca's Recovery Story

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:57:55 GMT

Alan and Rebecca open up about their story of betrayal, redemption, forgiveness and love.

Tucker and Michelle's Recovery Story

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:49:46 GMT

Tucker and Michelle open up about their story of betrayal, redemption, forgiveness and love.

What can't I just rely on God for my recovery?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:45:47 GMT

When struggling with addiction, trauma or infidelity, is having faith enough? In this short clip, Dr. Skinner's discusses how therapy can be a compliment to faith based healing.

Advisors: Do they need more help than you can give?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:39:57 GMT

If you're advising individuals struggling with sexually compulsive behavior, when is the situation require professional help? Dr. Skinner outlines signs to look for in their behavior that require more help than you can likely give.

Advisors: What are the signs of addiction?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:36:53 GMT

Are you a religious advisor, working with individuals struggling with unwanted sexual behavior? If so, Dr. Skinner offers signs to look for the lead to addictive behaviors.

Advisors: What questions should you be asking your congregation members?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:32:30 GMT

Are you a religious advisor, working with individuals struggling with unwanted sexual behavior? If so, Dr. Skinner offers advice regarding what questions you should be asking to understand the severity of the unwanted sexual behavior.

How can mindfulness help with triggers?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

How can you develop the mindfulness muscle?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

What classifies as an addiction?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Mon, 02 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Dr. Skinner discusses how an addiction is formed.

How is a sexual addiction formed?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Sun, 01 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Dr. Skinner discusses how an addiction is formed.

What does true forgiveness look like after infidelity?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Thu, 14 Jun 2018 13:11:15 GMT

In this short four minute video, Dr. Skinner discusses provides his insight into what true forgiveness looks like after infidelity.

How can mindfulness and therapy work together?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Fri, 01 Jun 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The Other Side of Infidelity that No One is Talking About

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Tue, 08 May 2018 15:16:09 GMT

WHAT'S THE OTHER SIDE?

Imagine with me, typing in the name of your beloved spouse, whom you trust whole-heartedly, only to find that he is a member of Ashley Madison and you had no idea, or even the hint of an idea, about his secret.

That would be a bad day, a really bad day. Your entire world imploded in an instant.

And this actually just happened to over 30 million couples, and families. Yes, it was a deserved slap in the face to millions of cheaters and liars. But the consequences of these newly exposed secrets trail a wake far beyond the cheater him or herself, stretching into the lives of spouses and children.

And this new discovery causes trauma. Real life, even clinically diagnosed, trauma.

Discovering that a spouse has been unfaithful is a legitimized traumatic event. In fact, researchers have found the “emotional responses to infidelity to mirror those of other traumatic events, including shock, repression, denial, intense mood fluctuation, depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem,” all of which are symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

But what’s most shocking, and seldom talked about, is 70% of women with unfaithful partners met most criteria for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder and 71% demonstrated a severe level of functional impairment in major areas of their lives.

So I find it interesting that our informers, our media, reports story after story about the idiotic, yet forgivable, husband who was careless and got caught, along with the ignorant wife who somehow should have known about their spouse’s secret behavior. (And yes, I know, the betrayal can be gender reversed.) But what we aren’t seeing, hearing, understanding from the top down, is the reality of the devastation caused to spouses and families.

Let’s take Anna Duggar for example.

Featured on the show 19 Kids and Counting, Anna has been known for having a strong background in Christian values. Yet, the recent discovery of her husband’s infidelity has made both her and her family the punchline of endless jokes and a target of public scrutiny on social media and talk shows — all of which are chiming in with their opinion of what Anna should have or should not have done, and what she should do now.

One source, who claims knowledge of the Duggar family, told People Magazine that Anna Duggar, would likely feel pressure from her in-laws, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, to shoulder some of the blame for her husband’s recent disgrace.

Really? She played a role in her husband’s affair? Why? Was it because she didn’t fully adhere to her mother-in-law’s advice to “have sex with [her] husband whenever he wants”?

We all initially bought into the innocent character surrounding the Duggar family; why should Anna’s trust in them be any different? Most likely, she is just as shocked as the world, yet the aftermath for her isn’t just scandal — the consequences include complete desolation to her and her children’s lives. They will never be the same because of her husband’s choices (not her choices). And yet, our society finds her anguish our entertainment. We have inflicted additional torment to her already broken life and heart. Is it our business as a community to destroy, or is our charge to revive, render care and lift the feeble and broken?

Perhaps if more of us understood betrayal, and the genuine trauma that ensues, our responses would be less flippant and unfeeling to those who have been betrayed.

Dr. Kevin Skinner, Clinical Director of Addo Recovery , a clinic specializing in helping relationships overcome infidelity and trauma, said “I have sat with thousands of betrayed spouses and have found that the trauma resulting from their discovery of infidelity holds almost identical symptoms to those who are diagnosed with Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. And like PTSD, unless treated, recurring triggers will not only sustain their trauma but can feed and exacerbate it, regardless if the relationship remains intact or not.”

Furthermore, Dr. Skinner said “To heal from betrayal trauma, betrayed spouses need education, professional help, compassion and support from loved ones. The knowledge of knowing it’s not their fault and they are not alone provides tremendous relief and healing.”

And so I propose that an increased awareness, concerning the injury associated with infidelity, could promote change in how our society reacts to betrayal and infidelity. This awareness has the power to turn our media, our society, our community, away from inflicting further pain, and closer to showing the compassion, support and hope those in trauma so drastically need. And perhaps, those who cheat and lie and blunder will more readily recognize the dire consequences that follow their actions, and possibly persuade them to choose a more noble path in days ahead.

What is the Addo iceberg philosophy?

info@zimbratherapy.com (Zimbra Therapy Partners) — Wed, 02 May 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The addictive behaviors are the tip of the iceberg. Learn from Dr. Skinner about the "Addo Iceberg" philosophy.